The little things

It's the little things that make life beautiful:

Prayer
Doing cartwheels on the grass outside
Picnics
BBQs
Water fights
Rearranging the magnets on the fridge
Painting
Tickle fights
Baking
Singing and dancing in the house when you're home alone
Shopping
Taking photos of sun rises

It's these little things that give life purpose and meaning.

That's just life. And sometimes it sucks.

Last night i learnt a very valuable lesson. I learnt that gaining the world's "stamp of approval" is so not worth the sadness it brings. I just want to fit in, but now i see that trying to do what everyone else is doing is just going to make me more lonely and more sad. It sucks that i will never make the cut and will always be lonely and have only a few friends, but i guess it's better than trying to be with the wrong crowd.

I feel lonely in this world full of sensual and proud people. I feel like i don't have anyone to turn to. Maybe i should embrace solitude as my companion and put away all the mascara days. But that's difficult to do because i'm so lost and confused right now and all i want is to find my happy place.
To you, my best friend: It kills me to know of your situation and i am filled with compassion at the world you have to live in. I want to help you. I want to help you so badly. I want to make it all go away, but there's only so much i can do. What i fear is that, like me, you try so hard to fit into the crowd; and, like me, you are unsucessful and only end up feeling more lonely and down. I'm sorry i bring you down. If i weren't in the picture, you probably wouldn't have as much trouble with your friends as you do. I'm sorry i'm not cool enough for them. I really wish i could be.
I don't even know what to do with you. i love you with all my heart and i feel like i cant turn around now, because of how things have turned out. But you make me really sad. I can't be with you if you care so much what the wolrd thinks of you. You remind me so much of my dad. And that hurts me a lot.


I feel so lonely in this world filled with millions of people.

Always

Te amo, nena, con mi corazon todo. siempre.

My new symphony

Bring out the minor keys, the minor sixths;

The violins take on a beautiful but poignantly distressed character.

If i were a violin, this feeling would characterise my song, and my song's name would be called "Adagio in G minor":

The Exposition starts.
I take the melody, while the rest of my instrumental family accompanies me.
I feel alone, even though they're right behind me, holding me up.
I repeat myself, just to gain more confidence so that i wont make a fool of myself.
I play minor thirds and minor sixths with passion and with the whole capability of my little, wooden heart.
I've made my statement.

It is now the Development.
I long to duet with the oboe;
Just the two of us in perfect harmony. A beautiful harmony...
It's time for us to come in.
I find myself playing alone.
My partner is nowhere in sight! I start to fear.
The Development becomes more intense and i cry out, playing notes as close to the bridge as i can, on the E-String.
I've lost the melody, some other instrument has taken it up.
I thought the oboe would join me. But he didn't.
I've embarrassed myself.
My instrumental family is still there though, playing alongside me.
Nevertheless, i lose control and expel my sadness--i long to hear the glorious voice of that oboe i've dreamt all my life of dueting with.
I thought this would be my chance, but it has obviously turned out otherwise.
As the sorrow of what just happened sinks deep, i pull myself together and decide to press on.

It is now the Recapitulaion.
Though still somewhat shaken, i take up the melody once again; the same one that i sang earlier, in the beginning. The one that i know i'm capable of performing.
The minor thirds and sixths come out strong, but not as strong as before.
All i desire right now is to walk away and stop making a fool of myself.

Why didn't the oboe join me?

My song ends.


But wait!
Suprise jumps out from nowhere--
A "tierce de picardie" announces itself bodly!

I thought it was all over; that i was stuck where i was.

But that's actually not the case at all. Thankfully.
My eyes have been opened to many other possibilities.
Though, i don't know which one to take;
I don't know which way to go.
I feel alone, but for once in my life i actually have hope.
A strange thing this is.

I don't know where or how to start my new symphony, but all i do know is that it's not the end;
there's a whole new adventure on it's way waiting for me to persue.




I do hope you can be in my new adventure, though. I think you'd be a great friend to help me along the way. And i want to be there for you too.

Dear John...

It's difficult for me to tell you this, and i hope you'll forgive me for what I'm about to say.

But I can't be with you anymore.
I love you, but at the same time i dislike you.
My happiest moments have been when i have been with you, but so have my saddest.
The more time i spend with you, the more i love you, but at the same time my vexation towards you increases so dramatically to the point that i can't stand being with you. The longer i am with you, the more problems we run into, and the more complex life becomes. The problem is that 'Us' creates more problems than there needs to be.

It's unfortunate and makes me heart-broken that something so good has to come to an end; and i regret letting things get this far because it makes it so much more difficult for me to say all of this.
We started out on one path but we've branched out into two separate paths that just keep getting further and further apart.
Oh how this pains my soul to give up something so good! You are a boy who isn't afraid of anything, who has a soft side and is not afraid to show it to me; someone who is handsome and funny, who loves me and protects me; someone who cares so much for my welfare, who tells me how he feels and encourages me to study; someone so perfect... Baby, you'd be the one, NO DOUBT, if you would only give me one thing: Take me to the temple.
But i guess that's something you're not willing to give me.

I've learnt a lot from you and i'm glad that you have been a chapter in my life.
I'll always remember you and there will always be a place in my heart for you.
I just wish we could have chosen our situation better, but the truth is: i will always waste your time because i will never give you what you want. likewise, you'll never give me what i want because you'll never accept the one thing that makes me happy. I honestly can't fathom a resolution to this problem.

An honourable man once said that "sacrifice is giving up something good for something better". I hope he is right.

Don't think that you're giving up. You're not. Sometimes walking away can be the solution. i'm so sorry that ive said all of this.

Though it's extremely painful to grasp, I guess it's time to move on to the next chapter in our lives.

I truly am sorry.

Love always,
Natalie