Hopes & dreams

If i could start life all over again, and had another shot at growing up, i would become a ballerina. Sounds a bit childish but i honestly wish i was a ballerina.

The little things

Today i was sitting in church, and i looked up and saw Amelia lying on her dads arm. I felt sad that i didn't have that same opportunity that she had to lie on my dads arm. Sometimes i feel like i'm missing out on the things that i should be experiencing as a child. I have the best mum in the world but i guess there are somethings that only dads can do. I'm 18 in less than a month and i often think about how my life would be more enriched if i had a dad that loved me enough to have a relationship with me and take me to church.

Who am I?

These past few days--since wednesday--have made me think about where i'm at in life. I'm so disappointed about where i've come to, it's so much further away from where i wanted to be. I'm not who i used to be and i really just feel a lack of identity at this stage in my life. I've been screwing up my life for the past year and have made so much more work for myself than i needed to. I feel that instead of going forward while the rest of the world sinks lower and lower, i've just followed everyone else. I don't even know who i am anymore. And i'm finding it difficult trying to get things back to how they used to be.

I used to be amazing and now i'm just anyone else. Waking up every single day and being reminded of this fact makes me so unhappy.

My day

Today was just one of those days filled with disappointment, but i guess that's life, eh?

Don't you hate it when you arrange something and eagerly wait all day for it to happen but then plans change and things don't work out like they were supposed to. Funny how quickly your feelings change. But i guess you've gotta look on the bright side and realise that tomorrow is another day :) They're still gonna be there tomorrow, and you can have patience to wait.

I probably don't seem to sound like i'm making sense but anyway.

I'm sort of tired and i have a head ache right now. And it's really annoying that my fringe keeps falling in my face too =.= I had this UMAT prep course from 9-2 today (it's for monday-friday) and yeah, it's really exhausting! Problem solving and logic and reasoning.... difficult for me. But tomorrow we do the "emotions" part of it, which i'm really looking forward to :D So we'll see how this all pans out.

I feel so bad lately. I don't know why but i feel like i'm wasting mum's money and time. I feel like i don't work hard enough for all the sacrifices she makes. Sigh. It's like i should be working more hours everyday on school and i should get enough sleep to be awake in all these extra classes, and i just feel like i'm not performing well enough for what mum's putting in for me. Pressure much.

It's nice to just sit here and blog, i'm so meh right now. I think i'm going to go do some scripture study or scripture mastery now. I also have to finish personal progress in a month :O So little time... eeeek! I better get to work.

Where'd the spark go?

So on saturday is our one year anniversary. I can't believe we made it this far after everything we've been through. Over the past few months though, i've noticed how plain our relationship has become. How you don't get excited to see me anymore or to tell me that i'm amazing and beautiful every day. I see my friend and her "soon to be" boyfriend, and just the things he says to her makes me wish you did the same. You always used to put me way up high on a pedestal and treat me like i was a precious gem. It's not like that anymore. Now we just do things like they're rituals or something. Where's the feeling? Why don't i feel the spark anymore?

I miss you. I want to be crazy about you again.

Trying to be better

Today on the train home from tutoring i was talking to my friend and she reminded me of something so important that i've seemed to have forgotten by trying to just be accepted by everyone. She told me:

1. That i'm pretty. Those other girls that are higher than me in the "social hierarchy" aren't actually as pretty as everyone thinks they are. They're only pretty because they're popular.

2. That i'm nice. Way too nice. I accept everyone and don't have enemies. Why would people have something against me if i'm just nice to everyone no matter what the situation is. They'll have no reason to hate on me.

3. That i have morals and i'm likeable.

Now i'm not saying these things to brag, but i'll be honest--it was nice to hear those things. It's nice when people reassure you and remind you that you're cool and actually worth something.

Anyway, so back to my point. So my boyfriends group of friends may not really get along with me that smoothly, but i realised tonight that no matter what happens, i shouldn't even worry about them. I should just be me and be nice like i always try to be, because a person who is always nice and respectful will always gain the respect of others. I've gotta stop trying so hard to be like by everyone else, do what they do, say what they say, joke like they joke, just to be accepted. Instead i should be the best person i know how and not be afraid to break away from the mainstream.

And yeah. The guy i'm crazy about does spend an awful lot of time with the most prettiest and smartest girl in the grade, but i'm his right? and she isn't. and i have to get over myself. even though it's really hard because i don't want to have to compete for my man's attention. I just wish that to him i was the most amazing girl in the world and that he wouldn't even THINK about putting other girls first, ever. I feel selfish but seriously, i shouldn't have to compete.

So yeah. I guess what i'm going to strive for is to just be who the Lord wants me to be from now onwards. I've actually spend a very long time working on being nice and kind and helpful and everything good like that. I need to stop thinking so much about boys and more about being the type of person they Lord wants me to be.