And you don't even have to try

Don't you just hate it when you try really hard to be successful, but there's always someone else who is better than you and they don't even have to try?
Story of my life. I studied so hard for the math test and i got a crap mark (11/31 Argghh) and you just naturally got 20/31. You bearly even tried. Why do you have to be so pretty too? beautiful tan, nice hair and eyes. You're also funny and sassy, always knowing the right things to say to people. I try really hard to start and maintain friendships, but no one really talks to me.
I guess the main reason for me noticing all these things about you and feeling inadequate compared to you is because it seems to be that you have the heart of my man... I try so hard to get along with him and show him that i care, but who does he spend more time with? Whose jokes is he always laughing at? Whose name is he always calling out? that's right: you. It's always you. And you don't even have to try!
Maybe i'm just jealous, but seriously. It's annoying that i notice all these things about you. I've never noticed you before.. I hate that you don't even have to try and he just likes you.

Just walk away

I've never felt so much despise or abhorrence for any person in my life. When you put on your nice persona, you are GOOD. REALLY GOOD. too good for words. but when you put on your negative persona, you are way too mean and intolerable. When times get tough, i sit with a false hope that you will change... but you never do. I'm so over playing your game.


The bruises you left on my arms yesterday are nothing compared to the bruises you're leaving on my heart. No matter how many times i fell to the ground and got my face scraped on the grass, it was nothing compared to how you make me feel inside--you didn't even care that i was getting hurt, instead you laughed and enjoyed it.
You're so disempowering, you have no idea how frustrating it is,, i can't even begin to explain it. I put out my all and got hurt, and you're just fine. i'm going out of my mind. LITERALLY. i'm going crazy. i'm confused. The compass seems to point straight ahead, but just as i'm about to persue my path, the bearing changes and i'm once again left confused and hopeless.


I've said it a million times before, but this time i'm for real: I'm just gonna walk away. walk away from you. and when some other girl comes to claim your heart (which, no doubt, will happen) I'm just going to smile and act like everything is ok. I'll fake it till i make it (even though i'm not 100% sure i'll make it). i'm putting on my bravado and leaving you behind. I don't know where i'm going or what i'm going to do, but i bet whatever i do will be better than being with you. So i'm gonna just walk away...



After we're finished with laser tag tomorrow, this is the mask i will be putting on--the mask that hides how i truely feel. So take a good look tomorrow, coz once we're done, this mask will go on and never come off. Well. Not for you, at least.

Thank you...

Dear friend,
Over the past couple of weeks, i've grown to love you. i'm so relieved that you know exactly how i feel and i love how you don't mind talking about things that most other people would find awkward. I'm really proud of you for not cutting for so long. You're doing a good job. You've definietly encouraged me, and i will most certainly think twice next time i feel like it. I'm glad we share the same views about most things, because it makes it easier to stand up for what i believe in, and it's great to know that there is someone out there that's going through the same things as I am. I'm really looking forward to the future as i would love to become better friends with you and i would love for us to help eachother with our problems.
Love always,
Nat <3

Missed opportunities

I regret missing opportunities.


I'm sorry, random man, that i didn't stop on the side of the road and help you pick up all your papers that went flying across the road :(

Still confused

Hey remember last thursday when we were sitting on the grass in the park and you told me that you try to forget about your past, but when you talk to your brother he always reminds you of it,, And it hurts? Well that's sort of how i feel with you. When you and her go home together on the bus, or get the same things to eat or have inside jokes or you say exactly the same things to her as you used to say to me when we were together, i'm reminded of the past and it hurts. I can't explain why, but it just does.
Thanks for being so patient with me for the past couple of days. Things have started to get better. I feel like such a failure, but i swear i'll try harder to let this not affect me--just please don't give up on me.

Wishing to let go

I'm so confused and hurt right now.
Just when i'm about to give up and lose hope in you, you trick me into thinking that you care. It hurts when you spend the day with me, telling me the secrets behind the name of your email address, or secrets about what goes on in your home and in your world. But then the next day you act as if i'm just any other person. No, wait. let me rephrase: you act as if there are a heap of other people you'd rather talk to and only get to me if no one else is there.
It bugs me when we talk and you tell me that you see me as a friend, but then at school you're always with her and calling out her name. why don't you do that to me too? If she's your friend and i'm your friend, why do you treat us differently...? I don't understand.
You also always used to tell me that you hate it when girls cake their faces with make-up because it hides their true beauty. I really appreciated all those times you told me that and accepted me for not wearing make-up. but why are you hanging out with all the girls who cake their faces with make-up now? I DON'T GET YOU. You're such a hypocrite.

But what really hurts the most is when you kiss me and we have tickle fights on the grass in the park near your house and we sit together watching the sunset, but when we get to school the next day you act as if nothing happened.
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME...?

You're like a cat playing with your food. can you hurry up and kill me and just eat me already? I'm sick and tired of you messing with my feelings.

All i want is to make you happy and care about you, but i don't know if it's the right thing to do anymore to just stick around, hoping to change your life and show you that not everything has to be horrible... Things can be different. BETTER. i can show you that... But to be honest, despite what you tell me, i really don't know what you want.
I hate the fact that you know how i feel about you, but you still take advantage of that. What bugs me is how quickly you've gotten over me! How could it be that fast? i thought what we had was real. and you even said it was. You still tell me you love me... but i guess your thoughts and your actions don't quite match up.

You're making me feel vulnerable and insecure, and i hate the person that i'm becoming. i feel like i have to change to fit in. I am changing. and i hate it. no one laughs at my jokes anymore. when people talk to me they say the bear minimum and just treat me like they have to hang out with me just because i'm there.
IF YOU STOPPED SCREWING WITH ME, MAYBE I WOULDN'T FEEL SO ALONE AND UNWANTED.

I don't know how to deal with you, or what to do when i see you, or what to say when i talk to you. I wish you wouldn't change so fast. i'm struggling to keep up. please try to understand how i feel too--it's not all about you.

I hate that i love you

I don't know how you feel, but i'm dying without you...
You probably don't even care. you've probably moved on...
That's what it looks like anyway...
I hate seeing you with her all the time.
I hate that you two always catch the same bus.
I hate that you can easily strike up a conversation with her, but can't be bothered about asking me something simple like 'How has your day been?'...
I hate how i'm only good enough for you if i have the chemistry notes you missed or have something to eat....
I hate how you think he is better than me. I hate how he gets to know everything about you but i don't--me who has put in all the effort to be there and help you. Why do you trust him so much. why does he not even haveto try?
I hate how you own a piece of my heart. You don't deserve it, and i just wish you would give it back.
But most of all i hate how i still stick around and stick up for you, even though you treat me like this.

I hate you. I hate you for not loving me back.

Just waiting for the train to come and end it. I don't know how much longer i'll be able to deal with you're unrequited love. You're killing me here.

It's all good in tha hood

Hey you. Please don't fuss over not meeting me at carlo. I was worried about exactly the same thing as you are, and i don't want to press this situation on you. I guess i just wanted you to know that i do want to be your friend--and i'm cool to take it at what ever speed you are comfortable with. I proposed we catch up for two reasons:
Firstly, i know exactly how you're feeling right now. i felt exactly the same way you feel just a year ago. I thought exactly the same things you thought (like the thing about crossing the road and the car coming), i've imagined all of that. So if you ever want to talk, i will be there. If it wasn't for my friend i don't even know if i'd be here right now. so if you need anything, just call. im right here. But if you don't want to that is ay-ok too. no pressure or anything. just sayin'.
The second reason for me proposing we catch up is that recently my relationships with all kinds of people have been failing. There's my friend kate who said we could never be friends like we used to (after i spent 4 months writing her a song and everything) which really hurt. then there's my friend Haroun whom i rejected when he asked me out and then 2 weeks later i went out with his friend. ('twas pretty harsh of me but everyone makes mistakes) so things were awkward between us for the past 6 months. Then there's the guy i dated. Ragulan. He was great. on the surface. But the more we went out and the deeper we got, the more i realised that it wasn't right. He wasn't right. But I had made a mistake. i fell in love. And then i had to break it off. Well things ended badly and i feel like i was the cause of the whole situation and now his always with this other girl in my year and he rarely says hi anymore. He told me we'd still be friends but he lied. oh, he lied. what a douche. I'm so cut. So given all this, i decided that i need to start fixing my relationships with people. I broke the awkwardness between kate and i and went to her house :S and we're talking again. I apologised to Haroun and i told him that i was really stupid and all the rest of it and we both decided that we want to be better friends this year. And Rags. well. His a lost cause. I can't make his decisions for him, so i guess i need to just get over him and make peace with the fact that i wasted 6 months of my life genuinely caring for and loving this guy who would never show me love back, even if he said he did love me. So yeah. i was a bit uneasy about where we stood. i just want to be your friend, so i told myself that i should actually do something about it.
Whenever you wana do something or just chat i'll be here. We don't have to make plans just yet, but please just know that i want to be friends and go back to normal.

Love hurts

Dear diary,

When people tell you they don't want you anymore, it does sort of hurt... I'm glad i know where i stand now and i'm glad that i know he wants to go down a different path, but sometimes the truth hurts. and sometimes people are too straight out and blunt. As if being with you didn't hurt me enough, now my heart is suffereing from stab wounds from your sharp, harsh words today. Thanks. Just what i needed. The cherry on top. i know it wasn't intentional, but still. It hurt. My heart will be permanently scarred because all the warm smiles and comforting looks you gave me when you used to tell me you loved me have turned to cold, foreign gazes. It hurts.

It's funny to think that people who respect you for your standards don't want to be with you because they think that you're too committed to your religion to care about them. Baby i couldn't ever pick you over my religion, but i can love you sufficiently enough. And i wish so much that me staying true to my religion wouldn't offend you. but i guess all my efforts were never good enough for you. I'm sorry i'm not perfect. I'm sorry that despite all my efforts, i was never able to give you what you wanted.


It's time to move on. If only i knew which way to go.

Mums...

What would you do without them?

I'll be there

I know the feeling all too well. being on the outside isn't fun at all. It's stupid how people can't just accept you for who you are. I hate how people are mean to you because you choose not to go as low as them; it makes life dreadful to bear. There's a lot going on right now with my friends and with boys and i'm confused and feel helpless. I feel more alone than ever. The people who used to be my friends aren't really my friends anymore because they've changed and now follow the crowd, doing what ever's the hottest thing at the time: drinking, wearing revealing clothing, dirty dancing, over doing it with boys, you name it. I feel like everyone else is changing and i'm just staying the same. I feel like an outsider. I feel even more like an outsider at church. There's no one my age, one of the leaders always embarrasses me and is mean to me (whether it's intentional or not) and people who used to be good friends with me are now only mere aquaintances.
I'm sorry about how you feel about Dear John. I don't think John is to blame either, but to me it seems like the guy Savana ended up marrying, really needed her help. He had quite a few challenges in his life that were made easier by Savana's help. I'm sure she had a caring heart and just wanted to help the guy out. It was very kind of John to donate all that money to Savana's farm. I think deep down she really appreciated it. And maybe she did owe him after that. How about this Savana repays him by not ignoring him and just being his friend? Would that cut it for John? ...
I know what it's like to be on the outsude. How about we stick together while we're on the outside and have a good time?
Come to youth tonight. I just got back from my year 11 camp today. I'll tell you all about it...?
And if you get this message too late, then how about we go out one time and just hang out? i'll tell you all about it then...?

Finally some light

HAROUN: YOU ARE MY HERO.