How much longer

Today at youth a few of the boys were really nice to me. It made me feel like i sort of belong somewhere. It was sort of nice.

Long deep sigh. I've come to the end right now. I can't keep going on like this, i just can't. I'm sad everyday, i cry everyday, and i definitely think about how wrong i'm living life, everyday. It's probably ME who is the reason for Kate not wanting to talk to me, or my friendships just disintegrating, or my relationship with the Lord failing as well as, hopefully from tomorrow onwards, my relationship with the guy who has loved me more than anything else failing. Can we get a round of applause please. For me. For ruining everything. Thank you.

I'm so far away. So far away from where i should be. I want to go back home. If this goes on any longer my insides are going to be torn by all my unhappiness and apathy that i'm not going to need to kill myself, my body will do it for me. I feel wracked, twisted, squashed, you name it. The things that used to make me happy don't really anymore. The people i used to be friends with aren't friends anymore, the amazing person i used to be is not who i am now, i wish it was as simple as jumping down a hole like in super mario and just starting the level again. I want to die, i want this all to go away.

Anxiety

Horrible day.

I woke up crying this morning. I had a bad dream last night, and what made me feel really sad was the fact that it was so true in real life. It bugs me so much when you're with her and you're so happy and it's all about the laughs and jokes, but then when you're with me it's not as much fun and there's not this natural flow of laughter and there's a thick layer of tension between us. I HATE THAT. I hate that to the core. This amongst other things makes me feel so anxious. This feeling scares me, because i don't know how to stop feeling anxious, i don't know how to sleep, i can't concentrate for long, i can't sit still, it freaks me out! I can't do anything.

You can tell me you love me all you want but it's not going to change anything--I'm still going to be an outcast, i'm still going to be invisible to everyone around me and i'm still not going to make you and everyone else as happy as other people will make them.

KML I hate this //

Good day

Today was great waking up to the clam, light grey sky. I looked out the window and just saw in front of me the most perfect shade of grey blanketing the day. Everything was so peaceful and comfortable and my bed was just relaxing--not too hot, but not too cold. Oh how i love days like these. The rain was absolutely beautiful and i just felt a strong sense of admiration and gratitude towards it. No one else seemed to like the weather today but i did. And the Lord probably knows that i like it and has decided to give me something to make me happy. So thank you. It made my day.

Today work was a lot of fun. I love my job and i have the best manager in the world. Although, it was a bit awkward when he said that i "recycle" my boyfriends. Sigh. I guess he just doesn't understand how i feel and that we keep going on and off on and off. But still. He looked at me with this disappointed kind of look, and i didn't really like that :| but other than that, work was great.

Yesterday was valentines day at school and you bought me a rose. Not only that, but you went to the trouble to ask Jay Dee to help you translate the message you attached to the rose in Afrikaans. That's definitely one to add to the list of "the cutest things you've done for me".

Thank you.

We also got our year 12 jumpers yesterday which was heaps cool! :) It's really exciting to be at this stage, and i have no idea why. What a weirdo. Anyway.

Also, i know it may be random, but i REALLY WANT A PIGGY BANK :(

A really cool one likes Rags' where the nose screws off.

Better week

So, today was pretty fun :) Well. the second half of it at least. It's funny how people drag you down when they're in bad moods and they refuse to accept your efforts to cheer them up. But it was fine in the end coz i went to tutoring and i made heaps of new friends :) It was great. Also, the really nice indian guy in my class conversed with me today and it was pretty cool. He's nice. And he's funny too. And he has cool hair. And he knows Reilly :/ LOL. anyway. moving on. It was also kate's birthday today. It was awkward because i thought it was tomorrow. But yes. I gave her m&ms and said happy birthday but she didn't seem to appreciate it at all :/ I guess she's really intent on "not being friends like we used to" be =_= anyway.

Yesterday i also fasted with Sean (my sister's boyfriend) and my family for Sean's dad to approve of him getting baptised. And at recess my friend offered me food and i said no thanks but she kept asking "are you sure?" So i told her i was sure because i was fasting. She really liked the idea and it interested her. SO she started asking questions, and while she was asking away i saw my other friend listening in and then another friend just chimed in and then we ended up having a whole conversation about fasting and what it's about :) Yay i had a missionary experience :) It's because that morning before i studied scriptures i prayed to invite the Spirit into my day so that he could guide me and help me be an example to my friends. whoopie it feels good to have had such a nice experience.

I need love and attention. I need it like i need food.

I'm such a mess right now. I feel like i've just screwed up my life recently. I can't even do anything right! i try to study scriptures every morning before school but i can never get it right. I try to do my homework everyday but i just can't focus, i can't get myself to do it! I'm so busy trying to meets everyone else's needs and make sure that they're happy that i don't even get the things I need. I hate how much effort i put in at church to always invite Alicia and encourage her to come; i picked up Jilaine for seminary for the past year and a half (not from this week onwards though), i set everything up in young women, try to be friendly to everyone, even the boys and especially visitors. But no one does anything for me. Alicia doesn't even appreciate what i do for her and Jialine doesn't even give me appreciation in return for everything i do for her.

At seminary this morning i had to get hymn books from the chapel and i asked if someone would help me and no one wanted to, except for Adrianna. NO ONE wanted to help me. Everyone just sat there staring at me like i was a retard or something. GEE THANKS GUYS. I wasn't at youth on wednesday because i had such a bad day and no one called to even make sure i'm ok. Everyone just thinks "Ah it's Nat, she's amazing and perfect and whatever whatever whatever, she'll be fine, she'll be here next week, maybe she just had school work to do or something". No one ever bothers asking how things are going, with family, with friends, with the boy, nothing. I take so much interest in other people's lives and really try to be involved, but everyone else can't even be bothered to pick up a damn phone and text me or call me or write to me on facebook! Some kind of friends. Thank goodness i don't go to church for the people.

I've been so angry today and last week i was just so sad. I'm so emotionally hurt right now from everything in that's happening to me in life and no body even cares. no body cares. Everyone has the need to be accepted and to be loved and cared for, i need love and attention too. I'm not superman or something, i have feelings. And sometimes, just sometimes, i wish people would stop assuming that i'm so perfect and don't need help with anything, BECAUSE I DO! I feel so lonely. Yet no one sees. And no one cares.

The worst day of my life

I hate how you've changed. I hate how you've changed so suddenly and treat me like crap. One day when your friends aren't there (like in the holidays) you'll tell me that i'm the most amazing person in the world; the prettiest girl you've ever seen and someone no one will ever be able to replace. Then when we get back to school and your friends come into the picture you change, and you act exactly as they do: You treat me like i'm some piece of crap just lying on the floor that you can just walk over.

I spent all day yesterday in the heat taking apart a hot chicken just so that i could make you a chicken mayo sandwich for today, and you don't even come and get it at recess because you're having too much fun with your friends and forgot!

Also, you're really insensitive to my feelings. You don't even appreciate the book that i'm making for my dad--something that means something to me--instead you just say ah kay cool and walk away. You're the only person who i was hoping would get excited about it and be happy for me and want to help, but it's actually everyone else but you who likes what i'm doing and tries to be apart of it.

Then at lunch you finally come get your sandwiches and then Jordan comes and starts a water fight and what's the only thing you can do? Point to my chest and say/sing "haahaaa it's see through. I can see your bra. What a cute polka dot bra, i like it" ETC ETC ETC like i'm just there for your pleasure. You're a douche; a douche with no respect! Just any other guy.

I feel like such an idiot right now -- what in the world made me want to go out with you?! you don't even respect me. If you really loved and cared about me you would respect my standards and be the one covering me up so that no one can "see". I'f you really loved and cared about me, you would have covered me up. I hate how you just don't seem to care. You're my boyfriend so you can "do whatever you want with me", You're my boyfriend so you're "allowed to look".

I wish you were still the same guy i said "yes" to almost 10 months ago, the one that didn't even have to try coz he was already too cool for school; the one who had many friends because he was a decent guy. Speaking of 10 months, that's another thing--you didn't remember ANY of our anniversaries you didn't even remember the day we started dating! Not our first month, not our 6 months, not our 100 days or anything that can be counted as an anniversary. I eagerly awaited those days with hope that you'd remember, but then i'd just end up feeling sad and let down.

I've just got to keep convincing myself that you are not the type of guy i want to be with. Once i'm convinced, everything will be sweet.

You're messing with my emotions and you hurt me so much. i breakdown and cry everyday. You don't even care. If you knew this little fact you probably wouldn't feel bad, or genuinely change how you treat me either. I can't change you. So i hope i just get over you quickly so that i can be happy again. Right now i don't even know what that is.

Hopefully happiness comes soon. Last night Heavenly Father told me that i have to take a few steps into the darkness before i can find the light. I've let go of you baby, because that's what the Lord wants me to do (even though i feel like my worlds going to fall apart because you're the glue that holds it all together)--that's me taking a few steps into the dark. I know i've done the right thing, so i should eventually reach the light and find happiness, right? i guess i just have to hang on, even though it's really hard.

On top of you making my day so depressing, many other things happened that can clearly mark today as the worst day of 2011 (and possibly 2010) so far. There are too many to list, and i just really can't be bothered.

Back to school this week

Wow. Blogging feels so foreign to me right now. My internet is capped until february the eighth, it's so sad! Everyday this week i've felt like blogging but i can't because i have no internet. So i figured that i'd use my sisters while she's out (and i'm pree sure she wont mind). Anyway.

So yeah. This week has been a bit rough for me so far. It's difficult to see the people you love change and treat you differently.

I'm glad that we decided on not dating, but now that your friends influence you to be a certain type of person, i feel a bit intimidated by you. When it was just you and i, you were completely different and i didn't care what i did or said because you'd just laugh at me and then get over it. But with the way your friends shape you, i'm scared to just be myself because i feel like you won't accept me; that you will judge me (like your friends do) and respond in condescending way. I feel like you'll just look down on me. Eeeek. So that's my problem at the moment. Also, i don't mind when you're with girls, but when you go home with one of the prettiest girls in the grade on the bus, i do feel a bit anxious and uneasy. BUT. Give me time--i'll get over it.

Seminary started today and i'm pretty happy to go back. It was so much fun because there were heaps of people! The more people there are the more fun it seems to be (but even if there weren't many people it would still be fine because the lessons are so nice). I also like how our teacher puts so much effort in! She teaches so well. I hope everyone will continue to have the desire to come to seminary, even when it gets cold, because i bet we're going to learn a whole heap of cool stuff this year. I'm really excited to learn of Joseph Smith and gain a testimony of him (because i have a testimony of many things, just not him and the restoration), and hopefully that will prepare me to serve a mission.

Mum's away at the moment. She's somewhere around the world and i miss her. I'll never forget how when i had no friends at all (well, no REAL friends) my mum told me she'd be my best friend. She'd always check up on me and make sure i'm ok and do fun things with me. So i guess i sort of miss her at the moment.

Somedays i get home and i just feel like crying. I have no idea why, but i do. I hope this stage will eventually pass.