God

Today i was really upset in the morning (these past two days have been horrible, thinking about all the work i have to do with such little time before trials) but when i said my prayers this morning, God heard me. I told him all of my problems and asked for his comfort and help; his help to be more positive and try my best instead of giving up. I love how he hears me and loves me so much because he helped me turn everything around and be happy. He also blessed me with so much help: I had the opportunity to perform my music piece in front of a huge audience as preparation for my HSC practical, my teacher gave me the best set of bio notes today which cover a lot of our current topic, my chem teacher did revision with us and i could answer almost all of the questions (which definitely boosted my confidence) and my friend made an effort and sent me all of his past HSC english stuff .

So many good things in my life have come out of praying. I know that God is there; He's my father in heaven and he loves me so much--i know because i feel him right there. I make so many mistakes every single day but he still answers my prayers and helps me! i find that so wonderful. In the scriptures he says that if we ask him then he'll answer us and i know it's true--i've seen it happen over and over in my life. I'm so grateful that i can have a relationship with him because he is so real and he knows me personally and wishes to bless me with so many things; i just have to ask.

The things that i'm grateful for

As i was sitting at the piano at home, i noticed the usual 4 o' clock sun rays that piece through the window and reflect off the kitchen counter and half way down the passage. If i had to pick my favourite time of the day to be at home, this would be it. I don't know how to describe what it looks like, but it is absolutely beautiful! The rays seem to be getting tired and more relaxed (as the day has gone by) and they gently light up the semi-dark house with this beautiful orangey glow. Just trust me, it's amazing :)

Anyway. This morning at 5:35am, just before i got out of bed for seminary, i realised just how comfortable and warm my bed is. All i remember is waking up and opening my eyes but not moving because of how comfy i was and all i could think of was how grateful i am to have a soft, comfortable, warm bed. I usually take this for granted, which is a sad thing i guess. I bet there are so many people out there in this world that don't even have beds to sleep on and here i am with an absolutely amazing bed. I'm just so grateful for all the wonderful things i've been blessed with.

Another thing i'm extremely grateful for is hot water. I know it doesn't seem like much, but when it's 5:40am in the morning and it's freezing cold outside and in the house, it is extremely satisfying to have a hot shower. Imagine i had to walk down to a river each morning/evening just to bathe and have to worry about freezing or being surrounded by all these creepy fish watching me. That would be way tough for me, so i'm really grateful for hot water :)

Time Out For Women

Today i went to Time Out For Women and it was amazing. The things that were said completely changed my thinking and motivated me to become more of the person i want to be.

I guess i've been a bit down these past few weeks, with all the challenges and trials that i'm facing. I've noticed my sadness, complaining and pessimism. But today i learnt two things; firstly, that I shouldn't be the only thing standing in my way of being happy; and the second thing i learnt was that I shouldn't think about the negative things in life all the time, but i should instead think of the positives--because how can you become something you're not even thinking about?

Brad Wilcox gave the most amazing talk today! Everything he said just made sense to me and spoke directly to me. He said that we should be gentle on ourselves. I guess we're climbing a mountain and sometimes we're trying really hard to get to the top but we get to a point where we feel like we can't go on any longer, so we stop. But we then get upset with ourselves because we haven't reached the top yet. But it's actually ok to stop for a break because what we fail to see is that we've already climbed half way up the hill to get to where we are! I thought that was quite a realistic representation of what happens in my life.

I don't think Heavenly Father wants me to be sad or pessimistic; i think He wants me to be happy, which is why He sent his son to help me. Jesus Christ satisfied the demands of justice for all the mistakes i have and will ever make; and with his infinite mercy he has set a new requirement for us to meet -- not a requirement of punishment or of payment, but a requirement of change. I hope that i will change. I hope that i will become happier and more optimistic about life and choose to to focus on the good even though sometimes it's hard.

I miss you

I miss you.

Today I didn't see you at all, not even at school. but i thought about you. all day.

Everything seems to reminds me of you--doing my maths homework, the tap dripping in my shower, The periodic table on my wall, chem tutoring, everything in strathfield, the big teddy bear you gave me that sits on my bed...

I went down to the Korean shop in my break at tutoring today and i couldn't take it; i just wanted to get out of Strathfield. Everywhere i went reminded me of you.

It seems that you're connected to so many areas of my life, and when you're gone i miss you so much. It's not the same. It hurts.

Today i couldn't wait for tutoring to end--the same feeling i get every thursday night because i get to drive home with you; something i looked forward to every week. But you weren't there today. I wondered if you would come anyway because you couldn't stand the thought of me taking the train home at night in a shifty area. I wondered but didn't count on it. I felt so anxious on the train home, it was the longest ride, it seemed like forever. I thought about you the whole drive home, and i wondered if you'd be thinking of me too.

I don't quite know how to express my feelings. There seem to be no words adequate enough. I hurt in a way i don't even know how to describe, which does frustrate me to some extent. But all i hope is that these feelings will pass, because i'm falling apart inside.

No one said it would easy, they only said it would be worth it

Last week I was excited for school to start--why, though, i have no idea. Over the past two days I have been reminded of why i don't like school. It's so empty and unfulfilling compared to what it used to be; change has greatly dulled my life. It's so empty and dull because i didn't follow my friends, but instead chose to live a life full of values--it's a hard life. Don't get me wrong, i like having values and i like the happiness i can experience from it, but it doesn't fill the hole that once contained loving friends, a wonderful boyfriend and a comfortable and easy life style.

This has been on my mind all day and having thought about it, though, i have realised that this is nothing to cry over, nothing to not eat over and definitely nothing to indulge in excessive amounts of chocolate over. This isn't a time to give up or a time to complain, but it's a time to be proactive and cheer up. Life is full of trials and challenges, if i'm down about each one of them, then I'm never going to get over them, and i will continually be unhappy.

I look at all the things i've sacrificed in my life just to be true to myself and to have integrity; and these are many things. I'm reminded of the story where Jenny's (a five year old girl) works hard and saves up to buy these $2 pearls she absolutely loves. After her dad reads her a bed time story one night he asks her "Jenny do you love me?" "Oh yes, daddy, you know i love you!" "Then give me your pearls," he said. "Oh, no daddy, not my pearls! You can have Princess my horse, you know, the one that you gave me for my birthday--she's my favourite," she said to which her dad replied "It's ok, darling. I love you and good night." This happened again a few nights later; then a week later he came upstairs to read her a bedtime story and found her crying in her room. He asked her what the matter was and she said "Here daddy, you can have them," and handed over her most prized pearls. He smiled and said thank you, and then he reached into his pocket and gave her a box which contained a necklace made of genuine pearls, which he had kept with him all along, just waiting until Jenny gave up her cheap plastic pearls so he could exchange it for something worth much more.

This is not unlike Heavenly Father who loves me so much and wants to bless me for doing the right thing. He has asked me to sacrifice things in my life so that he can give me better things; and i actually feel silly for being upset and complaining about it. I know that he is there and he loves me so much. And i know he will bless me with greater things than those that i sacrificed for him. I guess i just have to wait patiently and not focus on what i'm giving up, but instead what i will be receiving.

I've chosen to follow God and it's difficult, it's so unpopular in this world, but if i keep persevering through these trials, i will eventually overcome them and receive a reward greater than the hardship i had to endure.

The thing is, i know i need to have a more positive attitude, but i don't know how to change my attitude around and become more optimistic :/

My mad day

I had the maddest day. Church was so much fun and it made me really happy-- it's like my flat battery got charged :) I wrote in my journal and spent time with my family and friends.

Tonight my friend came with me to church and it was heaps of fun. I've never met anyone so open minded and accepting, as he is, before. I like that he wasn't judgemental but instead asked questions and so freely introduced himself to everyone. That's one thing i really admire about him--he is friendly, very accepting of others and not afraid to put himself out there. He introduced himself to people i'd never even bothered to meet before and i thought that was awesome--he didn't judge them, he just said hi.

Man it's weird to meet a guy who's actually focused on getting somewhere and improving; haven't seen many guys like that out there. but i think it's absolutely wonderful to know that they're there somewhere. I think it's a great quality to have because if you have two people who are working to grow together and improve together, the chances are that their relationship will be successful. I really believe that.

After tonight i have realised that break ups aren't the end of the world and i feel like a retard for ever thinking they were. Today i was so so happy and i'm so grateful that i have the opportunity to be in my church and to know God and to have a family that loves me so much. This makes my life pretty much complete and it brings me such great happiness.

Bucket list

Although it is believed that bucket lists are for old people or people who are dying, i'm rather excited about having one. I keep it on a piece of paper on my desk but i'd like to post it on my blog in case it gets lost (which is not uncommon for most items in my room...)

1. See a live musical

2. Touch a llama

3. Eat at the Centre Point Tower

4. See a play

5. Make a balloon animal

6. Go to a ball

7. Drive a BMW

8. Pay for the person behind me in the drive through

9. See a ballet

10. Save $750

11. Go overseas (other than South Africa)

12. Put on a valcro suit and jump against a valcro wall

13. Have a piñata

14. Change a tire on a car

15. Write a song

16. Own a cute plastic piggy bank

17. Watch a movie in Gold Class

18. Take professional family photos

19. Ride a tandem bike with someone i love

20. Ride on the monorail

21. Donate blood

22. Get a manicure

23. Win a competition

24. Get that thing where you turn the lid and the barocca falls into the water

25. Go to Luna Park

26. Make a pizza from scratch

27. Haver an air freshener in my car

28. Finish a whole crossword (Not an easy one, and without any help)j

29. Read a serious book

30. Ride a jetsky

31. Learn to play a song on the guitar (like "More than words")

32. Make an apple pie from scratch

33. Go to Top Ryde shopping centre

34. Have hot chocolate in a can!

Maybe having a bucket list seems silly, but i think it's pretty cool; and it's so much fun achieving the things i've always wanted to do (even though some of them don't really seem that serious i guess).

You and me

I can't believe how much and how quickly you've changed. I hate how much you swear now--you never used to swear so much. It's so sharp, disgusting and unnecessary. You don't need to swear to be cool you know--I don't think it's cool at all, but i guess i'm not important enough to you, for you to want to stop.

Sometimes i feel like an idiot for even going out with you. I can't believe that i was fooled to believe that you were a really nice, decent guy (different to any of those other guys out there)--you've actually proved to be just any other guy. It may seem harsh but it's the truth: you swear, you drink, you want things from me that i don't want to give you, you're going to schoolies and you do most things that the average teenage boy does.

I can't believe that you came to my house to today (to talk and see if i'm ok), asked me what's happening with our relationship (which i thought we'd already established a week ago when you took your necklace back), told me that we shouldn't date because we're not right for each other, and then (straight after i tell you i don't want to date you right now) you kiss me as much as you can and take advantage of my vulnerability. It's like you want something from me before we break up for good, not even caring about what i want. Makes me feel special, aye.

You could've just sat there all day caressing my face and playing with my hair and telling me that i'm cute and beautiful and pretty and that you missed me everyday this week and whatever else you were saying, BUT NO. It's all about you and what you want.

I'm so sick of you, i'm so over this and i really wish you'd just figure out what you want. You change all the time and i can't keep up with you. How can you expect me to stick around?

If this is who you're going to be, then i don't want to date you right now, and i wont want to date you after the HSC and i wont ever want to date you. I want someone who knows what they want and who they want to be.

Just a bunch of everything

I keep getting this feeling, every time i see something to do with you. It's like a sharp stabbing feeling, usually followed by my tummy twirling and making me feel sick; it's really weird. Maybe this makes you happy to hear, because i bet you were really angry and upset about my decision. But it doesn't really matter though--these stabbing feelings are eventually going to disappear and nothing you can say or do can hurt me.

Today i had a wonderful day; i realised just how important friends are and how much they can uplift you. I also love my job so much and i'm going to be sad when Ian and Jo leave because then i wont get to work with them and jason anymore :( But i guess change is an inevitable part of life and we'll all get over it.

On friday my friend told me that he wants to become an astronaut, which i thought was mega awesome :) He's so determined to achieve his goals which sort of motivates me to study harder so that i will be able to do what i want to do some day. (I will be happy when the UMAT and the HSC are over though...)

The end of my world

There has only been one other time where i've felt this upset and dissatisfied in my life--it was a few months before i met you. It's like my life is on replay, like this week has happened before. Only this time you're in the picture.

I can't even begin to describe how sad, confused and alone i feel right now. There aren't words adequate enough to describe grief and discontentment. I'm confused because i know that i made the right decision, but all of a sudden everything in my life has turned on me and become unfulfilling. Why?

And the most annoying part of it all is the fact that no one understands how i feel or why i made the decision i made. This makes me feel so alone and insignificant. I feel so alone that i sit in the shopping centre surrounded by hundreds of people and feel disconnected from it all. I hate this feeling. When i talk to people or do the things i've always loved doing, it only brings a temporary happiness, which gradually fades when i'm once again alone by myself.

There's a hole in my heart, where you used to be, and it's difficult to fill. I guess the hole might get smaller, but it'll always be there--I've never loved someone so much in my whole life. I lament the loss of the one that i love, and nothing can quench it. Each night i cry myself to sleep because i missed you the whole day. And naturally, the bad dreams follow too.

I feel like the biggest retard in the world, i can't believe i jump up every time a car drives past just to see if it's you, or wish it would be you when my phone beeps.

I knew it would be difficult without you, but i honestly didn't think that my whole world would crash when you were taken out of it.