It's a duck thing

So i'm a swan, living in a pond full of ducks.

I feel so out of place because i do the things that swans do and all these ducks around me are condemning me for not doing what the rest of them (the majority) do.

I'm not a duck. I don't look like them, i don't speak like them and i most certainly don't act the same as they do.

See, the guy i love is the most beautiful duck in the pond. In fact, he is the most beautiful duck out of all the ponds in the world. But the point is that he is a duck. And just because he's beautiful doesn't exempt him from this fact. I guess he has had the opportunity to become a swan, but he wasn't willing to make the effort, and he wasn't willing to give up his duck habits.

I really need to get out of this pond full of ducks and go find myself a nice pond full of swans (and, i guess, the occasional duck). I need to hop off this ride and jump onto another; one that will take me to a stop somewhere near the Lord. That's where i want to go.

I just need to pack up my stuff and leave now. I have to leave my beautiful duck behind and i need to stop caring what the other ducks think. After all, they're just ducks.

Ugh.

I hate myself. I wish i could just die right now.

Everything's up

There have been so many things on my mind lately which have been bugging me, and i thought what better way to let it all out than on my blog (which is not read by many people thankfully!). It's times like these i'm glad i have a blog.

Today i realised that sometimes church isn't what it's supposed to be. But then i'm reminded of the purpose of coming to church: that i'm not supposed to come to church because of the people, i must come to church because of the Lord. And if the Lord has called my sunday school teacher, then i should sustain him even though the class is a total bludge and i feel deprived of learning. It's not that he is a bad person or anything, because he's not, he's actually really nice, but i just feel that i could get more out of the lessons if he taught more effectively. So i resolve to be less judgemental and more patient with him.

So many people have been telling me that i've lost a lot of weight (which i don't think is true) and just yesterday my mum said to me "Wow Nat, you've lost a lot of weight. Just don't lose anymore!" (Unbelievable! I just walked into the other room a few seconds ago and my mum told me that i must stop losing weight). But the problem is that i can't even see it! I guess i know that i'm sort of losing weight because i weigh a few kg less when i weigh myself (which isn't often) and my clothes are starting to get a bit big for me. But the point is that i just don't see it. I don't see any change in how i look. I look the same to me.

Throughout the week i get much inspiration and many answers from the scriptures to help me with the problems i am experiencing. Honestly, the scriptures contain the answers to ANY problems i may have and they motivate me and give me courage to pursue a righteous path. I know about repentance and the steps and stuff, but i've been struggling lately on where to start and what to do. One of the steps i have to take is so embarrassing though--i feel like i'm going to get judged D: Even though my courage builds up during the week from scripture study, whenever i come to church and see certain people I honestly just feel like running away. I am ready to make every wrong thing in my life right, but this step is something that i just don't want to have to go through. I wish i could just skip it. Arrgghh i hate myself for the decisions i've made.

On top of all that, i also know that i need to break it off completely with the guy i love more than the world. And i can see how that's going to go down. He's probably going to think that i'm being selfish and that he wasn't important enough for me (which will be a complete lie). School's going to be uber awkward and he is just going to feel like he has wasted all of his time caring for and loving me these past almost 10 months. Great. No doubt i'll be unpopular in his books. I just hope he understands and doesn't get disappointed with me because i'm not honouring his "rewards system" which we discussed. I feel like i'm wasting his time. I feel like a douche. He has been there for me and spent so much time helping me out and making me feel of worth, how in the world can i possibly just leave him? He'll never ever turn to me for help ever again. Yay.

You know what? i would absolutely love to run away right now! run away from everything; my sins, my trials and my lover & friend problems. As a rule I don't mind responsibility, but right now i just want to get away where no one can find me, not even God, because i've disappointed him so much. I don't want to face the music right now, even though i know that at some point i have to. I just want to disappear and run away to a place where no one will ever be able to find me.

It has been 66 days. How tempting my veins look! They're so nice and blue and i can just see the blood running through them, so close to my skin. I don't even need something too sharp, I could easily find something around the house. Ahhh! all these thoughts going through my mind and i have to keep trying to control my thoughts and think of something else. See, the fact that i know that my body is a temple and that the Lord has given it to me as a gift makes me hate myself to even think of damaging my body. As much as i want to do it and as soothing as it feels afterwards, i know i shouldn't do it. This frustrates me to the core because i feel so trapped by my trials and my sin. The only way to get through this is to solve the problems. You can't just run away, it doesn't work like that. You can't run away from sin. You can't run away from your trials. The only time they go away is when you tackle them head on and take them down.

So many things are up at the moment. And it's all my fault because of the choices i've made.

Dad's birthday

Firstly, i'd like to begin by saying that i feel horrible! I ate so much food today :( i just want to throw up. I try to cover it up by drinking water (as i have a fear of vomiting) just because water is "healthy", but i somehow don't think it really works that well :/ UGHH! I hate eating a lot. I really dislike myself for letting myself eat all of that food! AHHH! Kim how do you do it? :( i wish i could eat like you do.

Secondly, i'm proud to say that I've also started a blog about integrity for my Personal Progress Value Project :D i'm so excited.

http://natandintegrity.blogspot.com/

Ok. now to the main part of my blog. So it's my dads birthday on the 29th right, and i have no idea what to do about it.

It's so awkward, because sometimes i think about what he did and what a big mistake he made, and i can't help but feel like he doesn't deserve anything. After all, he is the reason things are the way they are. And if he wants to leave and go off with someone else, that's his choice. But because that was his choice, he created what his and my relationship is now. I can't even remember the last time i spoke to him. We only ever type on google talk. I haven't heard his voice for over a year (which i think i'm ok with, because it might be a bit weird or uneasy hearing his voice now after it's been so long), and i think the last time i ever had some sort of conversation with him was about 4 months ago.

But given all of this and the whole situation with him and my sister and i, he still sends my sister and i a gift for our birthdays. Does that mean that i should return the courtesy? I Probably, right? Hmm. But what would i even get him?! I dont know enough about him to know what to get him for his birthday.

I spoke to Rags today about it and he was so caring and gentle about the whole situation with my dad and just the way he treated me made me feel secure and reassured that no matter what happens with my dad, everything will be ok.

I also spoke to my "appappa" about it and when asking his advice too on what i should get my dad for his birthday, he told me that the greatest gifts he ever got from his son were long letters his son wrote to him, telling him how good a dad he is and how much he appreciates the time his dad spends on him. I thought about this for a second and thought that if that were me, I would only be able to write 1 or 2 sentences, never mind a whole long letter! But then i thought about it some more and i felt that instead of turning away my dad for his wrong-doings, i should respond positively and lovingly. Whether he deserves my love or not shouldn't be the question. I should follow the Saviour's example and make him feel of worth.

I think about it this way: So say for example you have a friend and no matter what the friend does, you always seem to criticise him and tell him that he's a bad kid, that he isn't good enough and that he will never be good enough for you. The chances are that he is probably going to feel insecure and worthless, right? I think this is because in life, we tend to live up to the identities that people give us. So, making this situation more positive: If instead of telling your friend that he isn't and won't ever be good enough, you tell him that he is wonderful (even if he is not!) and that he has potential to be someone great and you remind him that he is of worth even though people are criticising him for the mistakes he has made (even if you think he made stupid decisions) the point is that he is most probably going to live up to the identity that you give him. So he may not be the nicest guy or the most talented guy, but because you tell him that he is, he feels the need to live up to that standard that you set.

So i guess this is how it's applied to my dad:

Everyone tells him how stupid he is for making that decision, and what a bad person he is; and my sister and i sort of (subconsciously) refuse to make a big effort to maintain a relationship with him and i guess we sort of treat him like an outcast to our family. We then also tell him of the things he should be doing, like going to church again and praying, etc.

I think this is a negative approach. If i tell him and show him (by my actions) that he is of worth and that he is a great guy and that i'm not focusing on the negative side of things, chances are that he'll appreciate it a lot and feel the need to live up to this identity of an amazing person that i've given him. I can tell him to go to church, but this won't be as effective as giving him a great identity to live up to. If i show him kindness and love, he'll be more likely to come back to church and repent of all his mistakes.

So i'm going to make him a book with pictures in and stuff i like about him or just memories that we've shared. And i'm going to make it all pretty and post it to him.

Just when you thought that everything was going well

Maybe i'm just quick to speak and overreacting, but i feel unwanted right now.

I was just looking through my friend's (let's call her "G") photos on facebook and i saw all the photos from when we hung out and stuff, and then as i kept going through, i saw pictures of her hanging out with my other friend "A" and our other friend "D" just earlier this week.

This may not seem like a big deal, but see, I've been wanting to see A for a REALLY long time, and i've texted her and facebooked her, trying to organise something with her so that i can see her again and spend time with her, but she's never quite available and all the plans we make fall through.

Now all of a sudden she has time to hang out with D and G and i'm really close to D and G so why didn't anyone bother to invite me along?! They know i love hanging out with the 3 of them, we do it all the time during the school term! How come not in the holidays? I hate being left out. It sucks. It always used to be the 4 of us, so why do they just leave me out. A KNEW that i wanted to hang out with her, so why didn't she tell D and G to invite me too so that we could all hang out?

Just as i start to get comfortable and feel like people actually finally accept me and care about me and don't treat me like i'm some weirdo retard, i realise that they all go out and do things with each other without bothering to invite me along.

I should never have thought that they care about me and think i'm cool in the first place. It's so gay. This happens all the time =_= My self confidence just got dented.

Gonna miss you baby.

Ok, so i know it may seem random, but I feel sort of exposed.

On monday when you came over, apart from how i felt because of this one little thing, i had a really good time :) You are the most amazing guy in the whole wide world. I can't help but wonder how different my life would be if i didn't meet you; if you didn't move here.

I'm glad we could've established that we're going to try to separate for the year, and i just felt so content when i showed you what i've always wanted to show you: You saw my photo album from when i was little, you got to read some of my blog and i got to show you things i've written in my journal. See, these are the things that i hold really close to me, some of my deepest darkest secrets, and i feel good that i was able to let you in and allow you to walk through the door into a whole new part of my life. I do sort of feel a bit unguarded, though. I feel like i've shown you a whole new part of me, but i haven't seen a whole new part of you so it makes me feel a bit exposed. But i trust you though, so i guess it's ok. i hope you don't see me differently or think that i'm weird because i write down the majority of experiences i have! I guess that if i were you and you were showing me your journal and all the things you've written, i'd think i'm a bit weird for writing all that stuff. I also can't help but wonder if from now on you'll be more selective of what you tell me because you fear that i will write it down on my blog or journal :/ this thought makes me feel a bit uneasy. But hey. I worry too much and i should just let it be.

Ok, so now that we're actually going to start to separate, i would just like to say that (even though there have been a few not-so-good experiences in our relationship) these 9 months have been amazing and i've learnt so much from you. I can't even express how awesome you are and how happy you've made me. It's all those really little things you do that make me the happiest girl in the world.

I would also like to say that through this time with you, i've really learnt the meaning of love. My understanding of love has grown dramatically and i can honestly say that i've never loved anyone more in my whole entire life. i've loved you more than anyone-family included. I loved that you let me meet your mum and i love how you let me speak to her on the phone on NYE :) Also, there have been so many times in my life when i've needed help and i have had no clue where to start, but i didn't have to worry, because you were there. i could always rely on you! Whether it was a small situation like the hole in Kim's hose, or a huge situation like me feeling so sad and worthless or going through friend problems, you were always there. You always help to me calm down and fix things. I feel forever grateful to you for that week of your party when you got your P's and i was really upset and you picked me up and took me to your house and gave me chocolate and wrapped me up like a little sushi (like you always do :D) and comforted me. You are really special and i hope you know that. It doesn't matter what people say, you are amazing and special and you're not the average guy. I think it's so hot how you don't want to drink, even though all your mates do it. Maybe they mock you or tease you a little, but i'll tell you that you're so much better than them, i'd never date anyone like that, and the fact that you choose not to drink and you don't give in no matter what anyone says makes you extremely sexy. So yes. this post is turning out way longer than i expected LOL. So just remember who you are, and just know that there will always be a little place in my heart for you, always. No one can take that away. I love you so much, and i really hope everything works out for the best.

Good bye, baby. I'm gonna miss you.

Why does it always seem like i'm not good enough?

I don't know why, but i really feel like cutting my diet right in half and eating practically nothing. I know maybe it's not healthy, but just eating a little bit of food each day doesn't seem like a big deal to me.

The only problem with this is you. you and what you think of me. and this is a problem because you matter so much. You went away to QLD for the week and i finally got to see you today when i picked you up from the station. Ok, so this whole week both you and i were excited and couldn't wait to see each other, but looking back on the day, i feel like i disappointed you and wasted your time.

In the beginning (a few weeks back) when you found out that i'm not eating much, you sort of joked around about it and made me eat things and you put up with it. but now it seems as if it's getting on your nerves and that you hate that i wont just eat properly! Every time you find out i've just consumed a few carrots and water or haven't eaten much, instead of sympathising with me and helping me out, you just look at me like i'm just any other girl--something you've always told me i'm not. I hate that moment when i have to see your face and the look you give me. i'm starting to feel like i'm just the average girl, who cares about her weight and how she looks. UGH. i hate that about me right now. I just want to make you happy, and i don't think i am right now.

And on top of that, i just disappointed you more. now i know that this doesn't have much to do with me, but. Why is it that guys always seem to be in the mood for the physical stuff? so often they just fit the mood. with us girls, it only comes occasionally. See, i would prefer to lie in your arms on the grass in the park and look up at the sky and talk, where as you would probably prefer to kiss or get some blood rushing or something :/ but why? i don't get it. Why do guys have such an appetite for those things? There's more to life. just sayin'.

Well, today i felt disappointed, both in myself and you, because you (naturally) just wanted to do what guys do best or what comes naturally to them, and i on the other hand just wanted to spend time with you sitting down and talking--i would have loved to spend the afternoon hearing about your trip to QLD. So because i wasn't in the same mood as you and didn't want to satisfy your needs, i just wasn't into it. and i feel so disappointed in myself because you waited a whole week to see me and you were so looking forward to it, and then i can't even give you what you want. i just waste your time.

UGH. so now you have to deal with my inability to satisfy your needs AND the fact that i'm so worried about how i look and how much i weigh (which you think is really stupid and you dislike it with a passion). I feel like you feel like i used to be really special and unique but now i'm jsut becoming the same as everyone else. I feeeeel like such an idiot right now.

Everything will be ok in the end

I know, there are so many times when life gets us down and everything seems so stupid and unnecessary. Unfortunately it's all just part of the package of life. But I'll let you in on a secret: the trick is to just keep your chin up, kiddo. See when things go down they have to come back up again, that's just how it works. So just be patient and hang in there. Everything will work out in the end, and things will get better.

I'm sorry your holidays haven't been as great as you expected or wanted them to be. I guess sometimes life has a way of disappointing us. It's gay when people don't do what they say they'll do, or don't show up on time, or just don't bother seeing your point of view. We all have individual needs and wants, and sometimes it's frustrating when other people around us don't acknowledge them. I hate reading about how your sister treats you--i think it's so unfair and selfish. I would hate my sister if she did the things your sister does; it's so annoying how older sisters think they can boss you around and tell you what to do just coz they're older. That used to be the story of my life too.

I'm sorry about the whole surgery thing too. To be honest with you, i think you're pretty brave. I'm really scared of operations, and you just underwent an operation which places you pretty high in my mind. It must be pree annoying and frustrating having to deal with all the after effects. I hope you recover quickly and that your body stops hurting so much. When i read about how you feel, i feel pain too :/

Here's a story to remember, i love this story:

One Night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonged to him and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you you'd walk with me all the way, but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me." The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child, I love you and would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

Don't get too down; the Lord is always right there next to you. He loves you so much and he is looking for any opportunity to help you and comfort you; all you have to do is let him in and ask for his help. For me, i've personally experienced that the more i pray and ask for his help, the more help and comfort he gives me. It's actually funny how when things go downhill i always seem to remember this one scripture: It's in Jacob 2:8 and it says that the word of God (i.e. The scriptures and the words of the prophets) heals the wounded soul. So every time i read the scriptures, i feel content and know that everything will be ok, and i feel like a bit of weight has been taken off my shoulders; and i'm able to deal with all the things that come my way that day. Prayer and scripture study works. Even though you can't see the Lord, he is there and he takes some of that burden off you shoulders.

I know life can get us down sometimes, but just hang in there. Things will clear up in the end and everything will turn out ok. I promise you it will. Until then you just have to be patient.

And just remember that i think you're pree awesome! And you can call me anytime if you need anything. I'm being serious.

I made this specially for you :)

Mum's great advice

My day just got so much better after i had a conversation with my mum. It was nice to touch base with her and spend some time, because lately we haven't really been spending time together and building our relationship.

I look back on the title of my last blog and sort of smile to myself. The majority of the conversation between mum and i was centred around the fact that i take life too seriously and that when i don't get it right the first time, i feel like such a failure. She retold to me the story of when i was younger and i took long jump so seriously. I wanted to jump 4m but i just couldn't do it. I practised SO hard and invested a lot of time and effort into my goal and also did extra working out on the side just to get stronger so that i could achieve my goal. And some days i would just keep stepping over the plank and not get anywhere. And i would feel like a failure because i wasn't getting it right. But in the end (after a long time, and after a lot of practise and effort) i jumped 4m. I actually ended up jumping something like 4.8m!

I love how my mum teaches me and bears her testimony to me. For some reason when she told me about the Saviour, i just felt comforted and i really felt a belief grow inside of me about what she said:

We fought a war in heaven over agency. A THIRD of all the hosts of heaven were cast out and never got a body; and this was all because of the idea of agency. Heavenly Father wanted us to have agency--to make our own decisions in life in order to learn and to grow. And he knew that we would make unwise choices, and so he prepared a way so that when our choices turned sour, the Saviour would be there to clean up our mess and help us get back on track. The Saviour Jesus Christ is our advocate: He argues our case for us and asks for mercy and grace to be bestowed on us. Satan is the accuser. HE tells us that we have made the wrong decisions and that we should be ashamed. The Saviour is right there, on our side, ready to help us with all our problems; and the Lord knows the desires of our hearts. He will answer all of our prayers and he will alway be there for us.

So i guess that it's part of human nature to mess up, but we should utilise the atonement and invite the Lord into our life to help us get back on track. And when we feel he isn't there or close by to us, we can always pray and study our scripture. I have felt so much comfort just from reading from the pages of the BOM. the immediate change in feeling is amazing and refreshing. I like the idea that the Saviour is our friend.

So i guess, me dating Rags is like my goal of jumping 4m--just a different type of "jumping 4m". I break up with him and then get back together with him and then things happen and then we get distant from each other then we're really close and then i mess up and then i feel like a failure because i haven't "jumped" my "goal of 4m". But it's ok to mess up and it's ok to not be able to jump 4m yet. One day will come when i WILL jump 4m! but today's just not the day. and that doesn't mean that i'm a failure.

I've felt so alone lately (in terms of God) even though i've been studying my scriptures and praying everyday. But sometimes when we feel alone we shouldn't feel or think that the Lord isn't with us or that he doesn't love us or care about us. We should just remember that opposition and blessings are sort of like banking. Sometimes we have all this opposition and we feel that we're alone and that God isn't there. But the opposition has to equal the blessing. Therefore, if there is a lot of opposition, we just need to be patient because we'll have the same amount of blessings waiting for us at the end of all of it! When you're having a lot of opposition and no blessings, the blessings are just building up in the "bank" and getting bigger, and when you finally get paid all of your blessings, they have increased a lot and the whole experience will be worthwhile.

Mum says i shouldn't be so serious about life, and i should regularly give myself pats on the back as i progress along my journey to achieve my goal. You could imagine my face when she said this ... i had the most serious and you've-got-to-be-kidding-me look. I really feel like i don't try hard enough and that sometimes i'm just not good enough. I am really hard on myself and i don't praise any of my good efforts or progress and when i've achieved my goal i don't even pat myself on the back--i just get straight into the next goal. i should reward myself more often and be patient with myself as i learn. I should give myself pats on the back everyday for trying to achieve my goals.

I think i'm going to try to not be too serious in life.

I'm a failure

I'M SUCH A FAILURE. And i'm so irresponsible. I can't seem to get anything right.

I'm constantly messing up and doing the wrong things. What's wrong with me?! i'm so angry at myself right now. I can't even go one day without messing everything up. Last night we went to the fireworks. My whole day had been perfect and i actually had the funnest day out with you. My dream of having the best NYE out definitely came true! But all this doesn't matter because all the mistakes i made override the good times! GRRRRR. I hate how because i don't really have friends and church doesn't really seem to suffice, i always turn to you; and i know you console me but i love you so much that i get myself in trouble. Why are you the only one who loves me? Why can't somebody else love me and always be there for me. I just want to run away with you; go somewhere where no one will find us, but i CANT =_= not right now. Not with you. KML.

I also hate that stupid song by Katie Perry, teenage dream. Hate it hate it hate it. and i hate how it was stuck in my head all night.

I can't go a day without making mum mad either. I always screw up and disappoint her ( i know i disappoint her, even though she says i don't). Last night i was supposed to stick together with my sister and her boyfriend but Rags and I wanted to watch the fireworks from a different point, so we went there. Then at the end my sister started panicking coz she couldn't find me and then she called mum. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! DON'T CALL MUM ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS, SHE'LL FREAK OUT! =_= she tried calling me but i didn't hear my phone. and i didn't get any of her texts. so she panicked and called mum. meanwhile, I was being LOGICAL and decided to wait about and hour for the majority of the people to leave, coz there were too many people catching the train and we would've just waited in the queue for hours, so it didn't occur to me why my sister or mum were angry. I'm so stupid. I can't believe mum still lets me go out all the time, because i always screw up. Every time. I never get it right. I hate how i feel like she judges me too. It makes me not want to tell her things and i hate feeling so distant from her. But i feel like she "cages" me like when i was 13 and wanted to go out with friends and stuff, and i hate that.

What a great start to the new year =_= whoopie. I start by making one of the biggest mistakes of my life; one that i tried so hard to avoid. Greeeaat... 2011 sounds very promising.

YOU'RE SUCH AN IDIOT NAT D: and i really hate you.

Now i have to make everything right and pick up all the pieces. yay. i really hate this part.

I don't even really feel bad, which makes me hate myself more. all that's going through my mind right now is excuses for why i did it. I can't blame anyone but myself, and "Love" is not and excuse (Even though i wish it were)--nothing is an excuse. I'M the one who exercised my agency wrongly.

Thinking back on my day yesterday, because of last night, all the amazing things got cancelled out. Things like hitting the city with you during the day. We had so much fun ^_^ You made me eat coz you don't want me to become anorexic but you made a joke out of it. Then we lay on the grass under the harbour bridge just talking and laughing. Then, while everyone was rushing in to get a good spot in the city, we went to see Harry Potter at the cinema, which was pretty good. We had so much fun joking around all day and laughing, i just can't even explain how much fun it was. I love how you're ethnic and bargain with people all the time ^_^ and it makes me feel so much better that you bargained and got $15 off my bear for christmas. lol. One of the best moments i've ever had with you was when we were lying on the grass waiting for the fireworks and we were talking about my "problem" and i why i don't like this one place. You just don't give up, do you? :) I love how you accept me just the way i am, even though i don't think i'm perfect. Another moment i loved was when your mum called you and you told her i was with you and you asked her if she wanted to speak to me and then i spoke to your mum on the phone :D I was so nervous but I felt good after that--specially because i felt that i made you really happy. I had the perfect day; literally the perfect day--i never wanted it to end. Definitely one i'll remember.

Hopefully my life will get better when we put into action our plan of actually breaking up. There will be no more trouble and maybe, just maybe, things will go better for me at church and at school. I will have more time to focus on my HSC and we wont get so distracted from our school work. it will be hard and i'll miss you so much, but i think it will be for the better.

Hopefully. As for friends, i reckon i'm just going to go hang out in the library during lunch and do work. And if i don't go to the library on some days, i'm moving away from my "group" and moving down to E block or something. It sucks looking forward in this year and seeing that i'm going to be separated form the guy i love and that i'm not going to have friends (well, good friends at least). I'm going to be so lonely, but hopefully things pan out ok. And it's not like loneliness isn't something i know. Solitude has become my companion over the past few months.