Everything's up

There have been so many things on my mind lately which have been bugging me, and i thought what better way to let it all out than on my blog (which is not read by many people thankfully!). It's times like these i'm glad i have a blog.

Today i realised that sometimes church isn't what it's supposed to be. But then i'm reminded of the purpose of coming to church: that i'm not supposed to come to church because of the people, i must come to church because of the Lord. And if the Lord has called my sunday school teacher, then i should sustain him even though the class is a total bludge and i feel deprived of learning. It's not that he is a bad person or anything, because he's not, he's actually really nice, but i just feel that i could get more out of the lessons if he taught more effectively. So i resolve to be less judgemental and more patient with him.

So many people have been telling me that i've lost a lot of weight (which i don't think is true) and just yesterday my mum said to me "Wow Nat, you've lost a lot of weight. Just don't lose anymore!" (Unbelievable! I just walked into the other room a few seconds ago and my mum told me that i must stop losing weight). But the problem is that i can't even see it! I guess i know that i'm sort of losing weight because i weigh a few kg less when i weigh myself (which isn't often) and my clothes are starting to get a bit big for me. But the point is that i just don't see it. I don't see any change in how i look. I look the same to me.

Throughout the week i get much inspiration and many answers from the scriptures to help me with the problems i am experiencing. Honestly, the scriptures contain the answers to ANY problems i may have and they motivate me and give me courage to pursue a righteous path. I know about repentance and the steps and stuff, but i've been struggling lately on where to start and what to do. One of the steps i have to take is so embarrassing though--i feel like i'm going to get judged D: Even though my courage builds up during the week from scripture study, whenever i come to church and see certain people I honestly just feel like running away. I am ready to make every wrong thing in my life right, but this step is something that i just don't want to have to go through. I wish i could just skip it. Arrgghh i hate myself for the decisions i've made.

On top of all that, i also know that i need to break it off completely with the guy i love more than the world. And i can see how that's going to go down. He's probably going to think that i'm being selfish and that he wasn't important enough for me (which will be a complete lie). School's going to be uber awkward and he is just going to feel like he has wasted all of his time caring for and loving me these past almost 10 months. Great. No doubt i'll be unpopular in his books. I just hope he understands and doesn't get disappointed with me because i'm not honouring his "rewards system" which we discussed. I feel like i'm wasting his time. I feel like a douche. He has been there for me and spent so much time helping me out and making me feel of worth, how in the world can i possibly just leave him? He'll never ever turn to me for help ever again. Yay.

You know what? i would absolutely love to run away right now! run away from everything; my sins, my trials and my lover & friend problems. As a rule I don't mind responsibility, but right now i just want to get away where no one can find me, not even God, because i've disappointed him so much. I don't want to face the music right now, even though i know that at some point i have to. I just want to disappear and run away to a place where no one will ever be able to find me.

It has been 66 days. How tempting my veins look! They're so nice and blue and i can just see the blood running through them, so close to my skin. I don't even need something too sharp, I could easily find something around the house. Ahhh! all these thoughts going through my mind and i have to keep trying to control my thoughts and think of something else. See, the fact that i know that my body is a temple and that the Lord has given it to me as a gift makes me hate myself to even think of damaging my body. As much as i want to do it and as soothing as it feels afterwards, i know i shouldn't do it. This frustrates me to the core because i feel so trapped by my trials and my sin. The only way to get through this is to solve the problems. You can't just run away, it doesn't work like that. You can't run away from sin. You can't run away from your trials. The only time they go away is when you tackle them head on and take them down.

So many things are up at the moment. And it's all my fault because of the choices i've made.