I'm a failure

I'M SUCH A FAILURE. And i'm so irresponsible. I can't seem to get anything right.

I'm constantly messing up and doing the wrong things. What's wrong with me?! i'm so angry at myself right now. I can't even go one day without messing everything up. Last night we went to the fireworks. My whole day had been perfect and i actually had the funnest day out with you. My dream of having the best NYE out definitely came true! But all this doesn't matter because all the mistakes i made override the good times! GRRRRR. I hate how because i don't really have friends and church doesn't really seem to suffice, i always turn to you; and i know you console me but i love you so much that i get myself in trouble. Why are you the only one who loves me? Why can't somebody else love me and always be there for me. I just want to run away with you; go somewhere where no one will find us, but i CANT =_= not right now. Not with you. KML.

I also hate that stupid song by Katie Perry, teenage dream. Hate it hate it hate it. and i hate how it was stuck in my head all night.

I can't go a day without making mum mad either. I always screw up and disappoint her ( i know i disappoint her, even though she says i don't). Last night i was supposed to stick together with my sister and her boyfriend but Rags and I wanted to watch the fireworks from a different point, so we went there. Then at the end my sister started panicking coz she couldn't find me and then she called mum. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! DON'T CALL MUM ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS, SHE'LL FREAK OUT! =_= she tried calling me but i didn't hear my phone. and i didn't get any of her texts. so she panicked and called mum. meanwhile, I was being LOGICAL and decided to wait about and hour for the majority of the people to leave, coz there were too many people catching the train and we would've just waited in the queue for hours, so it didn't occur to me why my sister or mum were angry. I'm so stupid. I can't believe mum still lets me go out all the time, because i always screw up. Every time. I never get it right. I hate how i feel like she judges me too. It makes me not want to tell her things and i hate feeling so distant from her. But i feel like she "cages" me like when i was 13 and wanted to go out with friends and stuff, and i hate that.

What a great start to the new year =_= whoopie. I start by making one of the biggest mistakes of my life; one that i tried so hard to avoid. Greeeaat... 2011 sounds very promising.

YOU'RE SUCH AN IDIOT NAT D: and i really hate you.

Now i have to make everything right and pick up all the pieces. yay. i really hate this part.

I don't even really feel bad, which makes me hate myself more. all that's going through my mind right now is excuses for why i did it. I can't blame anyone but myself, and "Love" is not and excuse (Even though i wish it were)--nothing is an excuse. I'M the one who exercised my agency wrongly.

Thinking back on my day yesterday, because of last night, all the amazing things got cancelled out. Things like hitting the city with you during the day. We had so much fun ^_^ You made me eat coz you don't want me to become anorexic but you made a joke out of it. Then we lay on the grass under the harbour bridge just talking and laughing. Then, while everyone was rushing in to get a good spot in the city, we went to see Harry Potter at the cinema, which was pretty good. We had so much fun joking around all day and laughing, i just can't even explain how much fun it was. I love how you're ethnic and bargain with people all the time ^_^ and it makes me feel so much better that you bargained and got $15 off my bear for christmas. lol. One of the best moments i've ever had with you was when we were lying on the grass waiting for the fireworks and we were talking about my "problem" and i why i don't like this one place. You just don't give up, do you? :) I love how you accept me just the way i am, even though i don't think i'm perfect. Another moment i loved was when your mum called you and you told her i was with you and you asked her if she wanted to speak to me and then i spoke to your mum on the phone :D I was so nervous but I felt good after that--specially because i felt that i made you really happy. I had the perfect day; literally the perfect day--i never wanted it to end. Definitely one i'll remember.

Hopefully my life will get better when we put into action our plan of actually breaking up. There will be no more trouble and maybe, just maybe, things will go better for me at church and at school. I will have more time to focus on my HSC and we wont get so distracted from our school work. it will be hard and i'll miss you so much, but i think it will be for the better.

Hopefully. As for friends, i reckon i'm just going to go hang out in the library during lunch and do work. And if i don't go to the library on some days, i'm moving away from my "group" and moving down to E block or something. It sucks looking forward in this year and seeing that i'm going to be separated form the guy i love and that i'm not going to have friends (well, good friends at least). I'm going to be so lonely, but hopefully things pan out ok. And it's not like loneliness isn't something i know. Solitude has become my companion over the past few months.