Why does it always seem like i'm not good enough?

I don't know why, but i really feel like cutting my diet right in half and eating practically nothing. I know maybe it's not healthy, but just eating a little bit of food each day doesn't seem like a big deal to me.

The only problem with this is you. you and what you think of me. and this is a problem because you matter so much. You went away to QLD for the week and i finally got to see you today when i picked you up from the station. Ok, so this whole week both you and i were excited and couldn't wait to see each other, but looking back on the day, i feel like i disappointed you and wasted your time.

In the beginning (a few weeks back) when you found out that i'm not eating much, you sort of joked around about it and made me eat things and you put up with it. but now it seems as if it's getting on your nerves and that you hate that i wont just eat properly! Every time you find out i've just consumed a few carrots and water or haven't eaten much, instead of sympathising with me and helping me out, you just look at me like i'm just any other girl--something you've always told me i'm not. I hate that moment when i have to see your face and the look you give me. i'm starting to feel like i'm just the average girl, who cares about her weight and how she looks. UGH. i hate that about me right now. I just want to make you happy, and i don't think i am right now.

And on top of that, i just disappointed you more. now i know that this doesn't have much to do with me, but. Why is it that guys always seem to be in the mood for the physical stuff? so often they just fit the mood. with us girls, it only comes occasionally. See, i would prefer to lie in your arms on the grass in the park and look up at the sky and talk, where as you would probably prefer to kiss or get some blood rushing or something :/ but why? i don't get it. Why do guys have such an appetite for those things? There's more to life. just sayin'.

Well, today i felt disappointed, both in myself and you, because you (naturally) just wanted to do what guys do best or what comes naturally to them, and i on the other hand just wanted to spend time with you sitting down and talking--i would have loved to spend the afternoon hearing about your trip to QLD. So because i wasn't in the same mood as you and didn't want to satisfy your needs, i just wasn't into it. and i feel so disappointed in myself because you waited a whole week to see me and you were so looking forward to it, and then i can't even give you what you want. i just waste your time.

UGH. so now you have to deal with my inability to satisfy your needs AND the fact that i'm so worried about how i look and how much i weigh (which you think is really stupid and you dislike it with a passion). I feel like you feel like i used to be really special and unique but now i'm jsut becoming the same as everyone else. I feeeeel like such an idiot right now.