My ouma en oupa

I've realised that i haven't posted a blog in afrikaans yet :O i think i should attempt it.

Vandag was baie, baie lekker. Ek het saam met my sussie na my "ouma" en "oupa" se huis toe gegaan. Ons het daar net 'n bietjie geeet (eintlik het ons baie geeet D: ek voel so sleg! ek wil tog minder eet as wat ek nou eet. ek wil nie 'n vettie wees nie!) en ons het almal rond gesit en gesing. Dit is een ding waarvan ek baie hou waneer ek na my ouma en oupa se huis toe gaan: ons speel baie musiek op die klavier en ons sing vrek baie :P Dis wonderlik! Ek het altyd gewens dat ek deel van 'n familie was wat baie gesing het en musiekinstrumente gespeel het. Maar dit was nog nooit die geval nie. maar dis ok. dis hoekom ek 'n ouma en oupa het. Hulle is daarem baie pret!

Ugh. Food.

Ugh. i feel terrible.

Tonight we had a christmas picnic-dinner with family at the temple and i ate too much desert... i feel so guilty right now D: i so badly want to stick my finger down my throat and puke it all out, but i have a phobia of vomiting. I really wish i didn't have this phobia; it would make me feel a whole lot better.

I guess my fears are what keep me alive and healthy. if i didn't have a fear of something going wrong if i cut myself or a fear of vomiting, maybe things would be remarkably different :/

I want to lose 3 kg so badly. it's not that i think i'm fat or anything, because i don't think that, but i just want to be skinnier.

Also, something else i'll admit: i've been waiting since thursday for a text message from you, or a call. every time my phone rings or beeps i get excited that it might be you, but i just keep getting disappointed :/

Patience has never been a strong point of mine. I guess i'm just going to have to wait for the "31st" to arrive.

Where i'm at

Yesterday i bought Ruth (the old lady that lives a couple of streets up from me, whom i drove home the other day) a packet of gift-wrapped cookies from my work and wrote her a card. then i went to her house and gave it to her and she was so grateful. she was so amazed and shocked that she couldn't say anything. all she said was "I don't know what to say". She is such a nice lady :) I'm so glad i could've met her.

And the sad thing is that she's probably a better friend than all my other friends at school who are "supposed" to be my friends, who don't even make an effort. Sometimes i think people are just so stupid =_=

I went to the beach on Wednesday with some of my youth friends and it was so much fun! it really picked me up from the whole "not really having any friends" thing. They are the coolest bunch of people out. Everytime i plan things, i fail--either no one comes or only 1 or 2 people come and it's really awkward. So i really wasn't sure what was going to happen this time, but 6 other people came and it was awesome :D I loved hanging out with them; they took my mind off a lot of crappy things about life, it was all just care-free. I really enjoyed that.

So new years is soon approaching. i'm excited, yet somewhat uncertain. I'm not going to see you until we go to the fireworks on NYE.

What's going to happen after that? Are we going to actually put each other aside and focus on school? Are we going to say that and then be ambivalent about the situation? Is this just going to be another break-up that turns into a make-up? I can't help but wonder.

I can see the future and i know exactly how things are going to pan out for us. I know this girl who's in exactly the same situation as me:

She's a really lovely girl, goes to the temple regularly and attends church faithfully. She is upset because she broke up with the guy she was with in order to obtain a temple marriage. He was so nice to her and such a kind young man, but him joining the church was obviously insincere because when she broke it off he moved away and stopped going to church after only 2 weeks of being a member. Baby, this is going to happen to us if we continue down this path. That girl feels so bad for breaking up with that guy because he was so good to her and so kind and such a gentleman, but this sadness of hers is trapping her and hindering her ability to be with someone else (who is in fact a return missionary who goes to the temple with her regularly and sets her on a pedestal). Even though i think she should get over herself and see that she can have the guy she broke up with her non-member boyfriend for, i am going to be exactly like that in the future. i feel like i owe you so much for all the wonderful (millions of) things you do for me. I'm never going to get over you. if i do it will take so long... So what do i do about all of this now? i've gotten myself into the biggest mess and i'm just trapping myself.

I've seen the way you hold your little cousin and the way you love her and care for her. You're going to be the greatest dad in the world one day. and you will be more than capable of loving your wife too; i know because i've experienced just how much you've loved me. Deep down in side i do secretly wish that you will become a member so that i can marry you, because i know that we can be so happy. But i know that the success rate of this is so low! You might be interested in the gospel for a short time but then things will turn out like my parents -- you'll become comfortable in life and i'll progress and enjoy the gospel, and then you wont take church seriously anymore and you'll only be pious on sundays when everyone else sees you. our home will fail and our kids will get into trouble because in our house they will end up being taught double standards.

Baby i know what it's going to be like, i've experienced it first hand. i've been the victim of this. and even though you tell me you wont let things be like my parents, things will be that way. That's just how it goes.

Seems like wether i stay with you or end it with you, i lose either way.

I'm stuck in vacillation but i know that i need to make a decision soon

I hate the new me

There's something wrong with me.

I'm not the same Nat as i used to be.

i've must have changed something about myself (without being aware) because it seems that people don't really like me. People always used to love to hang out with me and told me that i brightened their days; they would always accept me and make the effort to spend time with me.

I don't understand how everything just changed so fast and so dramatically. When i think of friends, I can only count 3 friends that i have. three. that's right. 1 that's really close and two that are getting there. I feel so alone. i can't even describe the feeling.

My next problem is that you think i'm amazing. I really don't get this. I don't think i'm amazing at all--i'm self-centred, emotional, clingy, needful, judgemental and seriously insecure. Others obviously don't think i'm amazing either--at your party last night i tried so hard to talk to other people but no one would say anything back to me, they obviously don't like me and they judge me so harshly. So why do you think i'm amazing? Why do you always stick around? why do you tell me to stop saying things like this? If I hate myself right now, i really do, and others dislike me too, howcome you believe that i'm amazing?

I'm just sitting here in awe and astonishment. i am so grateful for all the love and care you show me. every time you tell me that you're not going anywhere, even though i tell you i'm wasting your time because i'm going to mess things up, and you always take time out to make sure i'm ok and to tell me how special i am, i'm just struck with amazement at your kindness and the effort you put into my well-being. This morning, first thing, you called me and texted me to make sure i was ok. then you picked me up at my house and took me to your house. You looked after me there. You really are your mother's boy. you asked about the things that are bugging me, you gave me chocolate, you wrapped the blanket around me and held me. You really keep me going, and i don't think you realise that. When no one else is there, you're always there to catch me when i fall.

I love you so much but i'm scared that i'm going to hurt you or mess things up. You do so much for me and i feel like i don't even give you half of that back. I'm like a weapon, i always seem to manage to destroy my relationships with the people that i love. I really don't want to kill our relationship, but i feel that i already am. I see you dying a little inside every time you have to drag me along in life because i'm too self-centred and needy to get up and walk myself. I feel sad because of what i do to you. Please be careful not to get hurt.

I'll let you in on a secret: Promise not to tell anyone, but i've lost 4kg in one month. i weigh 55kg and i used to weigh 59kg. i've been watching what i eat lately and i've realised that i eat pretty much nothing at school and on the weekend.

My usual saturday starts out with work from 8-12. i don't eat breakfast coz i never have time. then at work my manager always makes me a hot chocolate (best hot chocolates in the world!) and i might eat one or two broken cookies. then i take home a few cookies and eat them on my way to piano lesson. then i get home or hang out with friends or do something and then it's really late and then i really can't be bothered to make myself dinner. so i don't eat. then on sundays i wake up at 9am and laze around. i don't eat breakfast. Then i have something little just before i go to church. then i get home and have a whole heap of things to do and i sometimes eat a cooked meal, but if not i usually just have either a fruit or nothing at all. Then during the week i don't eat anything at school coz i don't get time to make lunch and it's too expensive to buy from the canteen everyday. so i may snack on something here or there when my friends offer but that's pretty much it.

Given all of this, i still don't feel like eating. I just don't want to eat. Rags knew that i ate barely anything on saturday and that i fasted all day yesterday and ate very little for dinner at his party. So this morning Rags MADE ME eat. he gave me these things his mum made. he wouldn't settle for just one--he made me eat two. It took me so long and i would've been fine not eating anything anyway. It was such a mission just to eat those two roll things D:

I don't want to eat. I just don't want to eat. fullstop.

Yesterday i saw this lady walking home and she was old and frail and had a walking stick in one hand and two shopping bags in the other. i felt so sorry for her so i stopped my car and asked her if she wanted a lift home. She was so grateful and she told me her name was ruth and i told her mine and she told me about her grandchildren. that was a wonderful experience for me, i really loved it. Ruth's probably one of the first friends i've made in a while and she didn't even judge me. i'm going to buy her a little gift for christmas and take it to her house. i'm so excited.

Inner Conflict

Oh im so annoyed at myself right now.

So i was angry at you... and i might have yelled at you... really loudly... and then talked things out with you... and you might have been very patient with me and held me in your arms... but then i made a mistake: I continued the cycle instead of breaking it.

You have no idea how much i want you and want to be with you, but i can't. i just cant. it's not the right thing for me right now, i don't think. Rahhrrr.

It doesn't matter how hard i try to get over you, everytime you kiss me it's like all my efforts of trying to get over you are all a waste of time D: because i just end up loving you more.

And the bad thing about all of this is the fact that i want it. I'll admit it--I want it. I want you. I want you to hold me and protect me and tell me how beautiful i am. I want to have many more fairytale and this-only-happens-in-movies kind of moments with you. I want to be a rebel and sneak out at night just to steal a kiss or have you to come buy cat food with me because i don't know where i'm going. I want to kiss you in the rain or on the start of the new year, being surrounded by pretty fireworks and a beautiful night. I want to tell you cute nerdy things so that you'll laugh that special laugh of yours (the one that i absolutely love!) and say i'm cute. I want you to run your fingers through my hair when we're lying on the grass in the park or driving home from the beach. I want you to help me with math homework and, when i get it right, say "good girl" to me the way you usually say it, the way that i love. I want to go far away with you and have an adventure. I want you to grab my hand and play fight with me on the grass in the park, even though it's a family park and the other kids look at us with questioning looks and ask their parents what we're doing ^_^ I just want to be with you. Because you are amazing.

Ok, so my predicament is this: Right now i have the guy that every girl dreams of being swept off her feet by. The IDEAL guy, who is right here next to me and loves me! My ideal guy is REAL, he actually exists. He is handsome, funny, smart, gentle, loving, caring, everything good! But i think that it's not the right thing to date him right now. how hard is that?!

What do i do? is this a trial of my faith and a test of my obedience to God? do i wait until new years eve and go out with you and have my last romantic, fairytale moment with you, or do i draw the line right now and tell you that i wont kiss you or hold your hand or let you hold me in your arms anymore?

Arrghh i want you!

p.s. i SO BADLY want to take you to my temple at night so that you can see the beautiful lights. there are millions of them and it makes me feel like i'm walking through a magical world. I want to show you the wise men and the baby Jesus and explain the importance of his birth to you. I want to show you that my church is wonderful. Basically, i want you to grow to like it so much so that i can spend forever with you.

Change: my greatest enemy

Life has never been so boring. Change has come into my life and swept away and engulfed all my routine, day-to-day happiness. I find myself just sitting. That's right. Just sitting because nothing seems appealing to me anymore.

Today we started the topic "Belonging" in english, and it took me back to the year 2008. Good times, [Classic hits]. The original founders of the group--Gab, Hez, Kate, Alli, Kim, Jess and Nat--were nomads; we'd move around from place to place trying to find our identity. I reminisce on the types of conversations we'd have, all the laughter, and the usual kim reply--"huh...? i don't get it..." "Don't worry, you'll get it, just keep thinking about it...", Gab would reply. *five minutes later* "Ohhh, i get it now!". Those were the days. The days where we could all fit around one single table and share our secrets. We were all unified and our friendships with eachother meant a lot.
After tracting for a while, we finally found a place of our own--a place we could always go to sit every lunch and recess. We took over the table just outside of D-block and even though there was a smelly drain next to our table, we called it home. It was our place. There are countless memories of fun and laughter that are associated with this area.


Now we take up two tables.
Random people who don't make the effort to form intimate friendships with us have joined us, and people just keep coming and going. Our used-to-be "home" is now a half-way house for people who have low standards. All the innocence has been obliterated and our home is left filthy. The originals no longer all sit around the table together, sharing embarrassing stories or things that made them laugh, instead, the main topics of conversation now are usually about other people, boys, dinking, and swearing--a lot of it. And the funny thing (well, actually it's not funny at all) is that these conversations are instigated by those people who have just decided to join the group, who don't bother getting to know everyone personally; the ones who are not the "originals" of the group and don't understand the importance of what the "originals" stand for (or are supposed to stand for). Our identity has been shattered and our place has been taken over. Even though all the originals hang about there, we have all seemed to go our separate ways. The innocent, young girls who once swore that they would never have a drink or get it on with a guy, or swear or wear revealing clothing, have now become randoms--people who are just there but don't matter. They've been disloyal to all their pinky-promises.


Oh how i miss those care-free days where everything went well and school was worth going to because of friends. I would look forward to every single recess and lunch because all of our amigas, our identity and our place had been exhilirating, happy and fun.


I'm so confused about you too, mi amorado bonito. You seem to have left this humungous gap in my life and i really don't know what to do about that. I'm left day after day with the problem of having to find a way to fix that gap. I'm failing though.
Whenever i go to places that we used to go to i feel uncomfortable. i hate coming up to that T-intersection by the park and having to decide whether to turn left or right: right will take me to north rocks road and then to my sisters work, left will take me to your house. I hate how i have that decision placed before me every thursday when i go to pick my sister up from work. That reminder always takes a stab at my heart.
I also bet that if i didn't text you today, you probably wouldn't have texted me. I feel sad that you don't care as much as you used to. i feel empty. worthless. You tell me you care and that you're there if i want to talk, but when i say that i'm fine and that i just need time, you don't reply. You leave me hanging. wondering. uncertain. You could atleast reply with an "ok", or reassure me that everything's going to be fine. or tell me that i'm worth something. But i guess that's not how things are anymore.
You've told me a kazillion times, even a week ago, that you want me to go to Queensland with you in the holidays; you wouldn't pick any other girl. But if that's what you really wanted you would have called my mum and by now. Broken promises.

I know it might sound silly, but right now there are no more original amigas, or ANY amigas for that matter, left to comfort me and give me adive; to tell me that they've got my back and that everything is going to be ok. Specially when my world comes crashing down because i can't be with the man i love. I'm all alone. Everything around me is spinning and changing so reapidl; and me--i'm just left standing here on my own.

Everything that mattered, is now nothing.
I don't know how to deal with this fact.

My drug

We're doing math homework at our table in the park. the papers are held down by my calculator, pencil case and other heavier books, and they are blowing with the wind. The noises of the kids skating at the end of the park are carried by the wind and are distantly faint. I lean in to see how you're solving the math problem. you sense my movement and the distance between us getting smaller and you take my head with your hand and gently rest it on your shoulder. your hand stays where it is. I breathe a sigh of relief. All my fears and sorrows flee instantly. I note that i am very cautious though: I sit as still as a small animal playing dead. I don't move. i also silently wish with all my heart that the papers don't escape and go flying across the grass, or that someone else distracts us, because i don't want you to move one bit. i don't want to get off your shoulder. I contemplate, in the back of my mind, whether me lying on your shoulder is appropriate or not. i then move slightly and lift my head from your shoulder. i don't actually know if it's a good or a bad thing--all i know is that i want it. you lift your hand, unaware of the thoughts going through my mind, and you put it back on the paper beside you where you're doing question 12c.
With a sudden jolt, the wind grabs the papers and they fly off with the wind! I immediately get up and follow after them. I can feel your head turn and your eyes watch me as i try to rescue the notes we need for our test. I start to feel uneasy, though, as the distance between us gets bigger. I make my way back to the table and sit down. we put the papers back under the heavy text books and re-evaluate which question we're going to attmept next. we decide to do one of the challenge questions. i quickly jot down the question and start to solve it. I finish before you: not something that usually happens. you must be tired. You then start solving the problem out loud. I watch how you illegibly scribble down your answers. It's cute. It's also cute how you comment about the fact that you can't even read your own writing. I agree. I really don't mind though; you're sitting next to me, that's all that counts. I quietly sit and soak up your presence as you carry on solving the question. You then finish up and look over to my answers to compare. your whole body seems to move closer to mine as you lift up my book to discover the answer on the answer sheet under my heavy folder. Not caring about your next reaction, i habitually lean my head against your arm which is now cutting across in front of me. I wait for your reaction. you don't flinch. I am once again relieved. Your concentration then oscillates between me and the math problem you're trying to figure out where you went wrong on. Unable to multi-task, you momentarily stop solving the math problem and run your fingers softly through my hair. like you always used to do. I smile. Your arm moves and my nose almost touches your arm. Tempted, I take in a deep breath and relax. I feel comfortable and happy--I close my eyes and feel at home. you smell like you always do--clean and half chocolatey. Words cannot even describe how good i'm feeling at the moment.

It's moments like these that make tomorrow worth living until.

I got my drug. I'm living one more day

Withdrawl

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you
--"When you're gone" Avril Lavigne

I didn't know it would be this hard to let you go. Everytime i see you i feel like bursting into tears. I wait anxiously for you to walk around the corner or walk through the door, but when you do my heart just sinks. Being away from you stinks. It's like this whole part of my existence is missing from me. I can't get you off my mind. I can't stop thinking about the fact that we will never be friends like we used to, we will move our separate ways and only be mere acquaintances. I don't want it to be like this! All i want is for us to be close. like best friends. Just without the dating part. But i guess that that is just an ideal... realilty would never be that ideal. i need to get over myself, but I have no idea how to let you go. You're like the drug that i need--the one that i live off. I'm craving it right now. What do i do when i just can't satisfy my craving? It seems like the end of the world to me.

I don't know how to let go. And i don't want to...