Inner Conflict

Oh im so annoyed at myself right now.

So i was angry at you... and i might have yelled at you... really loudly... and then talked things out with you... and you might have been very patient with me and held me in your arms... but then i made a mistake: I continued the cycle instead of breaking it.

You have no idea how much i want you and want to be with you, but i can't. i just cant. it's not the right thing for me right now, i don't think. Rahhrrr.

It doesn't matter how hard i try to get over you, everytime you kiss me it's like all my efforts of trying to get over you are all a waste of time D: because i just end up loving you more.

And the bad thing about all of this is the fact that i want it. I'll admit it--I want it. I want you. I want you to hold me and protect me and tell me how beautiful i am. I want to have many more fairytale and this-only-happens-in-movies kind of moments with you. I want to be a rebel and sneak out at night just to steal a kiss or have you to come buy cat food with me because i don't know where i'm going. I want to kiss you in the rain or on the start of the new year, being surrounded by pretty fireworks and a beautiful night. I want to tell you cute nerdy things so that you'll laugh that special laugh of yours (the one that i absolutely love!) and say i'm cute. I want you to run your fingers through my hair when we're lying on the grass in the park or driving home from the beach. I want you to help me with math homework and, when i get it right, say "good girl" to me the way you usually say it, the way that i love. I want to go far away with you and have an adventure. I want you to grab my hand and play fight with me on the grass in the park, even though it's a family park and the other kids look at us with questioning looks and ask their parents what we're doing ^_^ I just want to be with you. Because you are amazing.

Ok, so my predicament is this: Right now i have the guy that every girl dreams of being swept off her feet by. The IDEAL guy, who is right here next to me and loves me! My ideal guy is REAL, he actually exists. He is handsome, funny, smart, gentle, loving, caring, everything good! But i think that it's not the right thing to date him right now. how hard is that?!

What do i do? is this a trial of my faith and a test of my obedience to God? do i wait until new years eve and go out with you and have my last romantic, fairytale moment with you, or do i draw the line right now and tell you that i wont kiss you or hold your hand or let you hold me in your arms anymore?

Arrghh i want you!

p.s. i SO BADLY want to take you to my temple at night so that you can see the beautiful lights. there are millions of them and it makes me feel like i'm walking through a magical world. I want to show you the wise men and the baby Jesus and explain the importance of his birth to you. I want to show you that my church is wonderful. Basically, i want you to grow to like it so much so that i can spend forever with you.