I'm not the same Nat as i used to be.
i've must have changed something about myself (without being aware) because it seems that people don't really like me. People always used to love to hang out with me and told me that i brightened their days; they would always accept me and make the effort to spend time with me.
I don't understand how everything just changed so fast and so dramatically. When i think of friends, I can only count 3 friends that i have. three. that's right. 1 that's really close and two that are getting there. I feel so alone. i can't even describe the feeling.
My next problem is that you think i'm amazing. I really don't get this. I don't think i'm amazing at all--i'm self-centred, emotional, clingy, needful, judgemental and seriously insecure. Others obviously don't think i'm amazing either--at your party last night i tried so hard to talk to other people but no one would say anything back to me, they obviously don't like me and they judge me so harshly. So why do you think i'm amazing? Why do you always stick around? why do you tell me to stop saying things like this? If I hate myself right now, i really do, and others dislike me too, howcome you believe that i'm amazing?
I'm just sitting here in awe and astonishment. i am so grateful for all the love and care you show me. every time you tell me that you're not going anywhere, even though i tell you i'm wasting your time because i'm going to mess things up, and you always take time out to make sure i'm ok and to tell me how special i am, i'm just struck with amazement at your kindness and the effort you put into my well-being. This morning, first thing, you called me and texted me to make sure i was ok. then you picked me up at my house and took me to your house. You looked after me there. You really are your mother's boy. you asked about the things that are bugging me, you gave me chocolate, you wrapped the blanket around me and held me. You really keep me going, and i don't think you realise that. When no one else is there, you're always there to catch me when i fall.
I love you so much but i'm scared that i'm going to hurt you or mess things up. You do so much for me and i feel like i don't even give you half of that back. I'm like a weapon, i always seem to manage to destroy my relationships with the people that i love. I really don't want to kill our relationship, but i feel that i already am. I see you dying a little inside every time you have to drag me along in life because i'm too self-centred and needy to get up and walk myself. I feel sad because of what i do to you. Please be careful not to get hurt.
I'll let you in on a secret: Promise not to tell anyone, but i've lost 4kg in one month. i weigh 55kg and i used to weigh 59kg. i've been watching what i eat lately and i've realised that i eat pretty much nothing at school and on the weekend.
My usual saturday starts out with work from 8-12. i don't eat breakfast coz i never have time. then at work my manager always makes me a hot chocolate (best hot chocolates in the world!) and i might eat one or two broken cookies. then i take home a few cookies and eat them on my way to piano lesson. then i get home or hang out with friends or do something and then it's really late and then i really can't be bothered to make myself dinner. so i don't eat. then on sundays i wake up at 9am and laze around. i don't eat breakfast. Then i have something little just before i go to church. then i get home and have a whole heap of things to do and i sometimes eat a cooked meal, but if not i usually just have either a fruit or nothing at all. Then during the week i don't eat anything at school coz i don't get time to make lunch and it's too expensive to buy from the canteen everyday. so i may snack on something here or there when my friends offer but that's pretty much it.
Given all of this, i still don't feel like eating. I just don't want to eat. Rags knew that i ate barely anything on saturday and that i fasted all day yesterday and ate very little for dinner at his party. So this morning Rags MADE ME eat. he gave me these things his mum made. he wouldn't settle for just one--he made me eat two. It took me so long and i would've been fine not eating anything anyway. It was such a mission just to eat those two roll things D:
I don't want to eat. I just don't want to eat. fullstop.
Yesterday i saw this lady walking home and she was old and frail and had a walking stick in one hand and two shopping bags in the other. i felt so sorry for her so i stopped my car and asked her if she wanted a lift home. She was so grateful and she told me her name was ruth and i told her mine and she told me about her grandchildren. that was a wonderful experience for me, i really loved it. Ruth's probably one of the first friends i've made in a while and she didn't even judge me. i'm going to buy her a little gift for christmas and take it to her house. i'm so excited.
No comments:
Post a Comment