Today we started the topic "Belonging" in english, and it took me back to the year 2008. Good times, [Classic hits]. The original founders of the group--Gab, Hez, Kate, Alli, Kim, Jess and Nat--were nomads; we'd move around from place to place trying to find our identity. I reminisce on the types of conversations we'd have, all the laughter, and the usual kim reply--"huh...? i don't get it..." "Don't worry, you'll get it, just keep thinking about it...", Gab would reply. *five minutes later* "Ohhh, i get it now!". Those were the days. The days where we could all fit around one single table and share our secrets. We were all unified and our friendships with eachother meant a lot.
After tracting for a while, we finally found a place of our own--a place we could always go to sit every lunch and recess. We took over the table just outside of D-block and even though there was a smelly drain next to our table, we called it home. It was our place. There are countless memories of fun and laughter that are associated with this area.
Now we take up two tables.
Random people who don't make the effort to form intimate friendships with us have joined us, and people just keep coming and going. Our used-to-be "home" is now a half-way house for people who have low standards. All the innocence has been obliterated and our home is left filthy. The originals no longer all sit around the table together, sharing embarrassing stories or things that made them laugh, instead, the main topics of conversation now are usually about other people, boys, dinking, and swearing--a lot of it. And the funny thing (well, actually it's not funny at all) is that these conversations are instigated by those people who have just decided to join the group, who don't bother getting to know everyone personally; the ones who are not the "originals" of the group and don't understand the importance of what the "originals" stand for (or are supposed to stand for). Our identity has been shattered and our place has been taken over. Even though all the originals hang about there, we have all seemed to go our separate ways. The innocent, young girls who once swore that they would never have a drink or get it on with a guy, or swear or wear revealing clothing, have now become randoms--people who are just there but don't matter. They've been disloyal to all their pinky-promises.
Oh how i miss those care-free days where everything went well and school was worth going to because of friends. I would look forward to every single recess and lunch because all of our amigas, our identity and our place had been exhilirating, happy and fun.
I'm so confused about you too, mi amorado bonito. You seem to have left this humungous gap in my life and i really don't know what to do about that. I'm left day after day with the problem of having to find a way to fix that gap. I'm failing though.
Whenever i go to places that we used to go to i feel uncomfortable. i hate coming up to that T-intersection by the park and having to decide whether to turn left or right: right will take me to north rocks road and then to my sisters work, left will take me to your house. I hate how i have that decision placed before me every thursday when i go to pick my sister up from work. That reminder always takes a stab at my heart.
I also bet that if i didn't text you today, you probably wouldn't have texted me. I feel sad that you don't care as much as you used to. i feel empty. worthless. You tell me you care and that you're there if i want to talk, but when i say that i'm fine and that i just need time, you don't reply. You leave me hanging. wondering. uncertain. You could atleast reply with an "ok", or reassure me that everything's going to be fine. or tell me that i'm worth something. But i guess that's not how things are anymore.
You've told me a kazillion times, even a week ago, that you want me to go to Queensland with you in the holidays; you wouldn't pick any other girl. But if that's what you really wanted you would have called my mum and by now. Broken promises.
I know it might sound silly, but right now there are no more original amigas, or ANY amigas for that matter, left to comfort me and give me adive; to tell me that they've got my back and that everything is going to be ok. Specially when my world comes crashing down because i can't be with the man i love. I'm all alone. Everything around me is spinning and changing so reapidl; and me--i'm just left standing here on my own.
Everything that mattered, is now nothing. I don't know how to deal with this fact.
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