Yesterday i bought Ruth (the old lady that lives a couple of streets up from me, whom i drove home the other day) a packet of gift-wrapped cookies from my work and wrote her a card. then i went to her house and gave it to her and she was so grateful. she was so amazed and shocked that she couldn't say anything. all she said was "I don't know what to say". She is such a nice lady :) I'm so glad i could've met her.
And the sad thing is that she's probably a better friend than all my other friends at school who are "supposed" to be my friends, who don't even make an effort. Sometimes i think people are just so stupid =_=
I went to the beach on Wednesday with some of my youth friends and it was so much fun! it really picked me up from the whole "not really having any friends" thing. They are the coolest bunch of people out. Everytime i plan things, i fail--either no one comes or only 1 or 2 people come and it's really awkward. So i really wasn't sure what was going to happen this time, but 6 other people came and it was awesome :D I loved hanging out with them; they took my mind off a lot of crappy things about life, it was all just care-free. I really enjoyed that.
So new years is soon approaching. i'm excited, yet somewhat uncertain. I'm not going to see you until we go to the fireworks on NYE.
What's going to happen after that? Are we going to actually put each other aside and focus on school? Are we going to say that and then be ambivalent about the situation? Is this just going to be another break-up that turns into a make-up? I can't help but wonder.
I can see the future and i know exactly how things are going to pan out for us. I know this girl who's in exactly the same situation as me:
She's a really lovely girl, goes to the temple regularly and attends church faithfully. She is upset because she broke up with the guy she was with in order to obtain a temple marriage. He was so nice to her and such a kind young man, but him joining the church was obviously insincere because when she broke it off he moved away and stopped going to church after only 2 weeks of being a member. Baby, this is going to happen to us if we continue down this path. That girl feels so bad for breaking up with that guy because he was so good to her and so kind and such a gentleman, but this sadness of hers is trapping her and hindering her ability to be with someone else (who is in fact a return missionary who goes to the temple with her regularly and sets her on a pedestal). Even though i think she should get over herself and see that she can have the guy she broke up with her non-member boyfriend for, i am going to be exactly like that in the future. i feel like i owe you so much for all the wonderful (millions of) things you do for me. I'm never going to get over you. if i do it will take so long... So what do i do about all of this now? i've gotten myself into the biggest mess and i'm just trapping myself.
I've seen the way you hold your little cousin and the way you love her and care for her. You're going to be the greatest dad in the world one day. and you will be more than capable of loving your wife too; i know because i've experienced just how much you've loved me. Deep down in side i do secretly wish that you will become a member so that i can marry you, because i know that we can be so happy. But i know that the success rate of this is so low! You might be interested in the gospel for a short time but then things will turn out like my parents -- you'll become comfortable in life and i'll progress and enjoy the gospel, and then you wont take church seriously anymore and you'll only be pious on sundays when everyone else sees you. our home will fail and our kids will get into trouble because in our house they will end up being taught double standards.
Baby i know what it's going to be like, i've experienced it first hand. i've been the victim of this. and even though you tell me you wont let things be like my parents, things will be that way. That's just how it goes.
Seems like wether i stay with you or end it with you, i lose either way.
I'm stuck in vacillation but i know that i need to make a decision soon
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