A walk down memory lane

Today i unintentionally took a walk down memory lane. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not, because it did bring back happy memories, but at the same time it made me really sad.

I missed the train to Redfern this morning, so i caught a train to Central and then bussed it to uni from there. When the train stopped at central i was unexpectedly and all of a sudden flooded with memories of you. I remembered the time you held me in your arms on platform 23, because it was cold, that day we met up with your cousins to go to pancakes on the rocks.

Then, at uni i walked past this guy who was wearing exactly what you would've been wearing if you were there--he had on his black rabiens, with those cute funny shorts like you always wear, and a cool t-shirt. He looked just like you, only he didn't have a nice chocolate skin like yours.

It made me miss you.

So, after uni i decided to buy that jacket i've been thinking about buying for the past week, and so i got on a bus and went to the Westfields on Pitt Street. Right as i turned around the corner, i was met with the sight of the Centrepoint tower. You took me there for my birthday last year, and we had two helpings of ice cream with sprinkles. It was so romantic. Then i walked past the 5 story Woolies we went to before that, and past the gloria jeans cafe where we shared a large hot chocolate. It was too much. I could not turn any corner in the city without being reminded of you. Whyyy.

I saw many beamers today too. Did you know that EVERY time i see a beamer i think of you?There's not one time that i don't think of you. Remember that time you let me drive your beamer? :) We went to bicentennial park and sat at that white picnic table... You know, I always loved driving around with you. Sitting in the front seat holding your hand. Even though you lost your licence that time, i still think you're the best driver in the world. I've always thought that.

Sigh.I got home and was so tired that i decided to take a nap. So i went to my room to lie down and i lay on my bed and the big teddy bear you gave me for our first christmas together was lying right next to me. It kind of makes me laugh remembering how you looked when you sneakily walked into my house through the back door carrying this giant bag with the teddy in :) And then we went to the aquatic centre to swim and we only just had enough money to get in and we forgot about paying for parking so when we left we had to dig around to find money in your car :) haha. Good times...

I'm so tired but i can't sleep; i really just needed to get this all off my chest. I wish you would just go away, because i can't handle it right now. You may be in Melbourne, but my memories of you aren't.. they're still here.. and i'm reminded of you on a daily basis. I really don't know how to deal with all of this. You can break up with someone but it doesn't mean that it's easy. I thought i'd be over it in a couple of months, but it still hurts and i still miss you sometimes and i still wish everything would've worked out between us.

Wait, so there are always consequences?

It's such a relief to be done with all my HSC exams! The stress is gone and the weight is lifted off my shoulders. I'm so grateful to have God in my life--though i can't see him, i know he is there, i can feel his love and support. He helped me so much with my exams and so many of my prayers were answered.

Ok, so for the past two weeks i've really been pondering upon quite a mind-boggling concept! The fact that every single choice is followed by a consequence, EVERY SINGLE TIME! There's no exception to this natural, unspoken law. With every choice that is made, comes attached a fixed consequence, and that consequence ALWAYS happens. EVERY TIME. (Sorry, but I just can't get over this idea! And how could such a law even come into being? It's all so fascinating).

Now, because these consequences are affixed and never change, we know what will result from the choices we make. Therefore, by knowing the consequences and having the freedom to choose, we can indirectly choose the certain consequences that we want, right? That means that we can choose our own destiny! We're free to become exactly who we want to be and decide exactly what we want to do. We can be someone who is kind, helpful, friendly, happy, not judgemental, respectable or hard-working; or we can even be someone who is lazy, apathetic, unpunctual, who swears a lot, is violent or does drugs. Ourselves and our futures are all in our hands and we can become exactly who we want to be! Gosh, this is amazing!

Bad decisions unfortunately bring bad consequences and personally, i have at times in my life made very poor decisions, which brought long term consequences of unhappiness and regret. And what was even harder was that i had to face all the subsequent effects of my actions, which effects i could not run away from. That was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do in my life. Afterwards, i've regretted making the decision to suffer all those long term consequences for such a short-term gratification. It wasn't even worth it in the end.

My dear friend, i love reading your blog. And i'm sorry that you feel that you're losing your religion. But i just want you to know that you will only lose your religion if you choose to let it go. See, like you I know how difficult it is to get up for seminary every morning, or to pray everyday or to live the so-unpopular values our religion teaches, but ultimately it's up to you to choose how involved you want to be. It's all in your hands. I've chosen to get up for seminary everyday for the past four years, to go to church every sunday, to make the effort to pray everyday, and to find answers to questions i have about God and church and life...And the reason why i've made these choices is because with them comes a joy and happiness beyond description, a joy that cannot be fabricated by popularity, swearing, sex, drugs or alcohol. It's the most amazing feeling.

Had a good week :)

Ahhh there's just so much study going on for HSC right now and i need an escape! Thank goodness for blogging :)

Today i had so much fun at work; i absolutely love my job. Jason wasn't there though because he was sick and in the hospital :( I really hope everything is ok and that he gets better soon! He is seriously so much fun to work with and I think it's so funny how he always says "Naaat, why can't you be Asian?!" LOL. I hope he gets better and makes it to work next week because he was supposed the bring the topic of the day today! Anyway. Today i got so much practise making coffees! I made so many that when i close my eyes i just see the coffee grinder, the milk twirling around in the jug and all the patterns i want to make. I am actually quite proud to say that i've perfected my hot chocolate :D It's so exciting! Man i love my job.

So for english right, one of my related texts is an advertisement from a Dove campaign for real beauty (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHqzlxGGJFo&list=FLdhRwTz8RBHkRQO1wXpNwzg&index=7). The first time i watched it, i was horrified. literally. It was pretty confronting to realise that all the advertisements we see around us are idealistic and encourage us to be something we can never be; we can't just photoshop ourselves before we walk out the door every morning! The media tells us who to be, and it's not even real. It's kinda scary but i guess that's how they get people to feel the need to buy their products. Anyway. Just watching this has made me grateful that i accept myself for who i am, and don't have to hide behind make-up, or get caught up in a always-conscious mindset filled with worrying about what i look like and what others think of me, constantly trying to meet the world's expectations for me.

I just finished eating dinner and i'm rolling my left-over peas on the floor and james, my kitty cat, is chasing after them and eating them. it's sooo cuuute! This is us two (isn't he just the cutest kitty out?!)

Ohh, and on tuesday i went out with a friend to watch "Abduction" right (with Taylor Lautner playing the lead role--which is not the reason i went to see it... :P) and it was ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES I'VE EVER SEEN. I absolutely loveed it, even though Kozlow was the shiftiest dude out; he really creeped me out because he looks like a pedophile :'( ...

Anyway, there were so many things i initially wanted to write about, but they seem to have escaped my mind. I've had a good week :) I'm really happy with all the things i've accomplished.

Don't forget about me

There is not a day that has gone by since you left that i haven't thought about you. I don't know why i haven't forgotten you. Maybe it's because you've made me happy every time i've hung out with you, maybe because of the fact that you're so open minded and accepting of other people and their beliefs, maybe because you would often a time remind me of how amazing and cute i was, maybe because you wanted to do the things that i like to do, or maybe even because you weren't afraid to come with me to church and see the things that make me happy. Sometimes i come home from a long day and just sit in my car in the dark, looking up at the stars and listening to the song i sang for you that night. It makes me smile, that was an amazing night.

I can't help but wonder how you could've forgotten about me already, after all the time we spent together and the fun times we had. I can't help but wonder why you only occasionally reply to my texts or emails, or why you couldn't even be bothered to take initiative and text, facebook or email me first. Don't I mean anything to you? If you're not making the effort to stay in touch then I'm obviously not that important to you.

I don't know what to do. I don't know why i bother texting you or emailing you photos from my formal and graduation. You don't appreciate the effort i make, so why should i wait for your replies, wondering if i even mean anything to you. I'm just going to stop talking to you until you show me you're ready to make the effort to be my friend.

"Don't forget about me, miss Payze"

I haven't forgotten about you, but it seems that you've forgotten about me.

Don't really know what to think

Last night you apologised for treating me so wrong when i was such a good girlfriend to you,, telling me how amazing i am and how "the next guy to have [me] will be the LUCKIEST guy in the world".

Wait, you're letting this "amazing" girl just walk away because you're not willing to make the effort to treat her right every day?

You're happy today and couldn't stop thanking me for going as your date to formal and dancing with you and making your night so amazing. You opened the car door for me (which rarely happens, even though i've often asked you to open the door for me), pulled my chair out for me (which has never happened before), surprised me and told me that i could drive the beamer home (which, although didn't happened, you've never let me drive [except for on my birthday when you let me drive your white car] even though you trust me, so that was a kind gesture to offer to let me drive the beamer home), you even made me my own playlist "Nat" on your iPhone to play in the car on the way home from formal which didn't have any songs with swearing or sexual reference in (which i wish you'd done when we were still dating, because you KNEW i hated songs like that =_=).

I really don't know what to think, I can't seem to figure you out. I don't understand why you couldn't make this effort to treat me right everyday, when we were still dating. :/ Why did you all of a sudden change everything around yesterday? Is this change going last? Did you just experience a leaning curve which made you realise something? Are you going to appreciate the people in your life who care about you, now? I'm confused.

Dating Punctuation

I really don't like English, but yesterday it was actually kind of fun. I have a really weird class :P we were talking about dating punctuation and how we shouldn't date question marks because they never know what they want and they can't make up their mind. or they question everything you do and say--which is extremely annoying. Exclamation marks are no good to date either, as they're way too demanding! They always tell you what to do and c'mon, who likes to be told what to do all the time? Yeah. They're way to bossy to date.

Just me, myself and I

This week has been sort of rough i guess. I had my music trial and i think i did well (except for my viva) which is good. I feel so sad because tomorrow Chica is going to be put down because her kidneys are failing and i feel so sad for Gab :( Chica was the best dog and i just hope that i'll be a good enough friend to Gab.

Sigh. This week seemed to drag on and i was so lonely. I hate weeks like these. I guess i just have to be patient and wait for things to change. I tried hanging out with Alli which was fun but we ended up playing COD and i felt like crap after that (it's so ironic--i value life yet i ruthlessly killed people in the game) so that didn't really go down well, i couldn't bug Gab because she's upset about Chica, and i tried messaging a few people and that didn't really work, which makes me feel like a complete retard. I don't understand why i can't just accept the fact that if people want to talk to me they will and if they're not talking to me now then they obviously have better things to do.

I think one of the problems i have is that when i'm lonely i'm left to think about anything and everything and i tend to mess things up. i had a huge fight with mum yesterday and quite a few little arguments throughout the week. And i had such an unnecessary argument with Ragulan for the past three days. If i had just stayed off facebook and tried to occupy my thoughts with things other than him i wouldn't have hurt so much and probably wouldn't have cracked. Arrgh.

Sometimes i wonder how important i actually am to others and this week just made me wish that i meant something to someone.

Dear Good Guy

I was reading through a new era today and found this. I really like it :)

Dear Good Guy,

I know you're out there. I've seen you helping your little sister with her homework, carrying your mum's groceries in from the car, hanging out with your brother--even if he is a pain sometimes--and holding the door for me.

I'm impressed by the fact that you read and know your scriptures, and you seem to enjoy them.

I think it's pretty cool that you're an Eagle Scout. I have brothers, and i know how much work that is. It's awesome that you're willing to put that much effort into something.

I have resisted, on several occasions, the urge to clap out loud when I see you singing in church--too few guys do that, and honestly, i find it really attractive that you're willing to sing hymns like you would any other music.

I'm reassured knowing that you're blessing and passing the sacrament worthily. I can't do that for myself; it's comforting to know that you're worthy to use the priesthood you hold. It's a big deal, and i'm glad you respect that.

I like it when you show up to Mutual, Sunday School, and seminary. Not only am i glad that you don't take the Church of Jesus Christ for granted, but i'm glad that i get to see you.

I don't say it enough, but listen to me now. I like who you are and the things that you stand up for. I like your strength and convictions. If you ever get discouraged and think being a good guy is more trouble than it's worth, remember that I'm keeping an eye on you. I'm striving to be good so you'll respect me.

I respect you and will stay strong. Don't ever stop being a good guy. You're the best.

Faithfully yours,

An admirer

:)

I promised myself that i could post on my blog if i worked hard for the past few hours. It's so late but i have so many things on my mind at the moment and it seems that when i write on my blog i feel relieved.

Yesterday at the children's hospital i got to go around with another volunteer i hadn't met before to visit all the wards and he was an extremely nice guy. He had a great character (he probably lives a good set of values) and seemed to be seeking out the good things in life. We got alongwell and he taught me so many things. It's nice that i now know how to wrap a baby up, how to make a baby smile and how to make a baby calm down. Babies are so gorgeous and i'm so excited that i can be a mum some day!

I would also just like to say that i'm so happy that i'm in Baulkham hills stake :) It's not that my previous stake was bad or anything, it's just that the people in my new stake are so friendly and easy to get along with, and they make an effort to be your friend. They're pretty cool and us YW all work so well together :) our YW choir at stake conference is going to be amazing.

God

Today i was really upset in the morning (these past two days have been horrible, thinking about all the work i have to do with such little time before trials) but when i said my prayers this morning, God heard me. I told him all of my problems and asked for his comfort and help; his help to be more positive and try my best instead of giving up. I love how he hears me and loves me so much because he helped me turn everything around and be happy. He also blessed me with so much help: I had the opportunity to perform my music piece in front of a huge audience as preparation for my HSC practical, my teacher gave me the best set of bio notes today which cover a lot of our current topic, my chem teacher did revision with us and i could answer almost all of the questions (which definitely boosted my confidence) and my friend made an effort and sent me all of his past HSC english stuff .

So many good things in my life have come out of praying. I know that God is there; He's my father in heaven and he loves me so much--i know because i feel him right there. I make so many mistakes every single day but he still answers my prayers and helps me! i find that so wonderful. In the scriptures he says that if we ask him then he'll answer us and i know it's true--i've seen it happen over and over in my life. I'm so grateful that i can have a relationship with him because he is so real and he knows me personally and wishes to bless me with so many things; i just have to ask.

The things that i'm grateful for

As i was sitting at the piano at home, i noticed the usual 4 o' clock sun rays that piece through the window and reflect off the kitchen counter and half way down the passage. If i had to pick my favourite time of the day to be at home, this would be it. I don't know how to describe what it looks like, but it is absolutely beautiful! The rays seem to be getting tired and more relaxed (as the day has gone by) and they gently light up the semi-dark house with this beautiful orangey glow. Just trust me, it's amazing :)

Anyway. This morning at 5:35am, just before i got out of bed for seminary, i realised just how comfortable and warm my bed is. All i remember is waking up and opening my eyes but not moving because of how comfy i was and all i could think of was how grateful i am to have a soft, comfortable, warm bed. I usually take this for granted, which is a sad thing i guess. I bet there are so many people out there in this world that don't even have beds to sleep on and here i am with an absolutely amazing bed. I'm just so grateful for all the wonderful things i've been blessed with.

Another thing i'm extremely grateful for is hot water. I know it doesn't seem like much, but when it's 5:40am in the morning and it's freezing cold outside and in the house, it is extremely satisfying to have a hot shower. Imagine i had to walk down to a river each morning/evening just to bathe and have to worry about freezing or being surrounded by all these creepy fish watching me. That would be way tough for me, so i'm really grateful for hot water :)

Time Out For Women

Today i went to Time Out For Women and it was amazing. The things that were said completely changed my thinking and motivated me to become more of the person i want to be.

I guess i've been a bit down these past few weeks, with all the challenges and trials that i'm facing. I've noticed my sadness, complaining and pessimism. But today i learnt two things; firstly, that I shouldn't be the only thing standing in my way of being happy; and the second thing i learnt was that I shouldn't think about the negative things in life all the time, but i should instead think of the positives--because how can you become something you're not even thinking about?

Brad Wilcox gave the most amazing talk today! Everything he said just made sense to me and spoke directly to me. He said that we should be gentle on ourselves. I guess we're climbing a mountain and sometimes we're trying really hard to get to the top but we get to a point where we feel like we can't go on any longer, so we stop. But we then get upset with ourselves because we haven't reached the top yet. But it's actually ok to stop for a break because what we fail to see is that we've already climbed half way up the hill to get to where we are! I thought that was quite a realistic representation of what happens in my life.

I don't think Heavenly Father wants me to be sad or pessimistic; i think He wants me to be happy, which is why He sent his son to help me. Jesus Christ satisfied the demands of justice for all the mistakes i have and will ever make; and with his infinite mercy he has set a new requirement for us to meet -- not a requirement of punishment or of payment, but a requirement of change. I hope that i will change. I hope that i will become happier and more optimistic about life and choose to to focus on the good even though sometimes it's hard.

I miss you

I miss you.

Today I didn't see you at all, not even at school. but i thought about you. all day.

Everything seems to reminds me of you--doing my maths homework, the tap dripping in my shower, The periodic table on my wall, chem tutoring, everything in strathfield, the big teddy bear you gave me that sits on my bed...

I went down to the Korean shop in my break at tutoring today and i couldn't take it; i just wanted to get out of Strathfield. Everywhere i went reminded me of you.

It seems that you're connected to so many areas of my life, and when you're gone i miss you so much. It's not the same. It hurts.

Today i couldn't wait for tutoring to end--the same feeling i get every thursday night because i get to drive home with you; something i looked forward to every week. But you weren't there today. I wondered if you would come anyway because you couldn't stand the thought of me taking the train home at night in a shifty area. I wondered but didn't count on it. I felt so anxious on the train home, it was the longest ride, it seemed like forever. I thought about you the whole drive home, and i wondered if you'd be thinking of me too.

I don't quite know how to express my feelings. There seem to be no words adequate enough. I hurt in a way i don't even know how to describe, which does frustrate me to some extent. But all i hope is that these feelings will pass, because i'm falling apart inside.

No one said it would easy, they only said it would be worth it

Last week I was excited for school to start--why, though, i have no idea. Over the past two days I have been reminded of why i don't like school. It's so empty and unfulfilling compared to what it used to be; change has greatly dulled my life. It's so empty and dull because i didn't follow my friends, but instead chose to live a life full of values--it's a hard life. Don't get me wrong, i like having values and i like the happiness i can experience from it, but it doesn't fill the hole that once contained loving friends, a wonderful boyfriend and a comfortable and easy life style.

This has been on my mind all day and having thought about it, though, i have realised that this is nothing to cry over, nothing to not eat over and definitely nothing to indulge in excessive amounts of chocolate over. This isn't a time to give up or a time to complain, but it's a time to be proactive and cheer up. Life is full of trials and challenges, if i'm down about each one of them, then I'm never going to get over them, and i will continually be unhappy.

I look at all the things i've sacrificed in my life just to be true to myself and to have integrity; and these are many things. I'm reminded of the story where Jenny's (a five year old girl) works hard and saves up to buy these $2 pearls she absolutely loves. After her dad reads her a bed time story one night he asks her "Jenny do you love me?" "Oh yes, daddy, you know i love you!" "Then give me your pearls," he said. "Oh, no daddy, not my pearls! You can have Princess my horse, you know, the one that you gave me for my birthday--she's my favourite," she said to which her dad replied "It's ok, darling. I love you and good night." This happened again a few nights later; then a week later he came upstairs to read her a bedtime story and found her crying in her room. He asked her what the matter was and she said "Here daddy, you can have them," and handed over her most prized pearls. He smiled and said thank you, and then he reached into his pocket and gave her a box which contained a necklace made of genuine pearls, which he had kept with him all along, just waiting until Jenny gave up her cheap plastic pearls so he could exchange it for something worth much more.

This is not unlike Heavenly Father who loves me so much and wants to bless me for doing the right thing. He has asked me to sacrifice things in my life so that he can give me better things; and i actually feel silly for being upset and complaining about it. I know that he is there and he loves me so much. And i know he will bless me with greater things than those that i sacrificed for him. I guess i just have to wait patiently and not focus on what i'm giving up, but instead what i will be receiving.

I've chosen to follow God and it's difficult, it's so unpopular in this world, but if i keep persevering through these trials, i will eventually overcome them and receive a reward greater than the hardship i had to endure.

The thing is, i know i need to have a more positive attitude, but i don't know how to change my attitude around and become more optimistic :/

My mad day

I had the maddest day. Church was so much fun and it made me really happy-- it's like my flat battery got charged :) I wrote in my journal and spent time with my family and friends.

Tonight my friend came with me to church and it was heaps of fun. I've never met anyone so open minded and accepting, as he is, before. I like that he wasn't judgemental but instead asked questions and so freely introduced himself to everyone. That's one thing i really admire about him--he is friendly, very accepting of others and not afraid to put himself out there. He introduced himself to people i'd never even bothered to meet before and i thought that was awesome--he didn't judge them, he just said hi.

Man it's weird to meet a guy who's actually focused on getting somewhere and improving; haven't seen many guys like that out there. but i think it's absolutely wonderful to know that they're there somewhere. I think it's a great quality to have because if you have two people who are working to grow together and improve together, the chances are that their relationship will be successful. I really believe that.

After tonight i have realised that break ups aren't the end of the world and i feel like a retard for ever thinking they were. Today i was so so happy and i'm so grateful that i have the opportunity to be in my church and to know God and to have a family that loves me so much. This makes my life pretty much complete and it brings me such great happiness.

Bucket list

Although it is believed that bucket lists are for old people or people who are dying, i'm rather excited about having one. I keep it on a piece of paper on my desk but i'd like to post it on my blog in case it gets lost (which is not uncommon for most items in my room...)

1. See a live musical

2. Touch a llama

3. Eat at the Centre Point Tower

4. See a play

5. Make a balloon animal

6. Go to a ball

7. Drive a BMW

8. Pay for the person behind me in the drive through

9. See a ballet

10. Save $750

11. Go overseas (other than South Africa)

12. Put on a valcro suit and jump against a valcro wall

13. Have a piñata

14. Change a tire on a car

15. Write a song

16. Own a cute plastic piggy bank

17. Watch a movie in Gold Class

18. Take professional family photos

19. Ride a tandem bike with someone i love

20. Ride on the monorail

21. Donate blood

22. Get a manicure

23. Win a competition

24. Get that thing where you turn the lid and the barocca falls into the water

25. Go to Luna Park

26. Make a pizza from scratch

27. Haver an air freshener in my car

28. Finish a whole crossword (Not an easy one, and without any help)j

29. Read a serious book

30. Ride a jetsky

31. Learn to play a song on the guitar (like "More than words")

32. Make an apple pie from scratch

33. Go to Top Ryde shopping centre

34. Have hot chocolate in a can!

Maybe having a bucket list seems silly, but i think it's pretty cool; and it's so much fun achieving the things i've always wanted to do (even though some of them don't really seem that serious i guess).

You and me

I can't believe how much and how quickly you've changed. I hate how much you swear now--you never used to swear so much. It's so sharp, disgusting and unnecessary. You don't need to swear to be cool you know--I don't think it's cool at all, but i guess i'm not important enough to you, for you to want to stop.

Sometimes i feel like an idiot for even going out with you. I can't believe that i was fooled to believe that you were a really nice, decent guy (different to any of those other guys out there)--you've actually proved to be just any other guy. It may seem harsh but it's the truth: you swear, you drink, you want things from me that i don't want to give you, you're going to schoolies and you do most things that the average teenage boy does.

I can't believe that you came to my house to today (to talk and see if i'm ok), asked me what's happening with our relationship (which i thought we'd already established a week ago when you took your necklace back), told me that we shouldn't date because we're not right for each other, and then (straight after i tell you i don't want to date you right now) you kiss me as much as you can and take advantage of my vulnerability. It's like you want something from me before we break up for good, not even caring about what i want. Makes me feel special, aye.

You could've just sat there all day caressing my face and playing with my hair and telling me that i'm cute and beautiful and pretty and that you missed me everyday this week and whatever else you were saying, BUT NO. It's all about you and what you want.

I'm so sick of you, i'm so over this and i really wish you'd just figure out what you want. You change all the time and i can't keep up with you. How can you expect me to stick around?

If this is who you're going to be, then i don't want to date you right now, and i wont want to date you after the HSC and i wont ever want to date you. I want someone who knows what they want and who they want to be.

Just a bunch of everything

I keep getting this feeling, every time i see something to do with you. It's like a sharp stabbing feeling, usually followed by my tummy twirling and making me feel sick; it's really weird. Maybe this makes you happy to hear, because i bet you were really angry and upset about my decision. But it doesn't really matter though--these stabbing feelings are eventually going to disappear and nothing you can say or do can hurt me.

Today i had a wonderful day; i realised just how important friends are and how much they can uplift you. I also love my job so much and i'm going to be sad when Ian and Jo leave because then i wont get to work with them and jason anymore :( But i guess change is an inevitable part of life and we'll all get over it.

On friday my friend told me that he wants to become an astronaut, which i thought was mega awesome :) He's so determined to achieve his goals which sort of motivates me to study harder so that i will be able to do what i want to do some day. (I will be happy when the UMAT and the HSC are over though...)

The end of my world

There has only been one other time where i've felt this upset and dissatisfied in my life--it was a few months before i met you. It's like my life is on replay, like this week has happened before. Only this time you're in the picture.

I can't even begin to describe how sad, confused and alone i feel right now. There aren't words adequate enough to describe grief and discontentment. I'm confused because i know that i made the right decision, but all of a sudden everything in my life has turned on me and become unfulfilling. Why?

And the most annoying part of it all is the fact that no one understands how i feel or why i made the decision i made. This makes me feel so alone and insignificant. I feel so alone that i sit in the shopping centre surrounded by hundreds of people and feel disconnected from it all. I hate this feeling. When i talk to people or do the things i've always loved doing, it only brings a temporary happiness, which gradually fades when i'm once again alone by myself.

There's a hole in my heart, where you used to be, and it's difficult to fill. I guess the hole might get smaller, but it'll always be there--I've never loved someone so much in my whole life. I lament the loss of the one that i love, and nothing can quench it. Each night i cry myself to sleep because i missed you the whole day. And naturally, the bad dreams follow too.

I feel like the biggest retard in the world, i can't believe i jump up every time a car drives past just to see if it's you, or wish it would be you when my phone beeps.

I knew it would be difficult without you, but i honestly didn't think that my whole world would crash when you were taken out of it.

Life as an 18 year old teenager

People always tell you about how hard situations can be when you get older and they tell us of all the things that have happened to them with friends and drugs and sex, etc. But it doesn't actually sink in until their words actually become reality.

Throughout the years i've never had to deal with these above mentioned situations, but as i've turned 18 i've started to see an extreme shift in the teens around me. Around me each and every day are people swearing, and to be honest it's quite difficult to get away from. I have best friends getting high every other weekend, friends who used to be close that are having sex with their boyfriends and, actually, a heap of other people who don't even mean anything. The amount of people having sex at my age scares me, it actually blows me away because of how shocking it is. Drugs seems to be the "in" thing at the moment, i'm pretty sure at least half of my year at school has experimented with drugs or at least just tried it. Alcohol is one of the most realistic things i'm exposed to at my current age--now that my friends are turning 18 and are legally allowed to drink, their values, innocence and integrity have gone out the window. People who always vowed they'd never get into that sort of stuff are now bragging about how much they drank and how many times they threw up (very attractive...).

All i want is to be a good girl; innocent and clean.

Where did the respect go

Even though it's accepted in this world for guys not to respect girls, it's not cool. Just because everyone does it, doesn't mean it's ok.

I love you so much that i respect you. I respect the decisions you make, as well as the situation you're in with your family. I make you lunch everyday freaking day, i give you massages when you want them (even though i'm not that fond of giving them), i always say thank you, i write you letters expressing my appreciation for everything you do. I do so many things for you and you can't even say "thank you"--two simple words--let alone "wow baby, look how amazing you are, you made me such a nice lunch today. I could've gone hungry but you made sure i didn't".

Why don't you appreciate the things i do for you? Instead you just raise your hand to me pretending you're going to hit me just because i'm not doing every little thing you want me to do. How come the things i do for you don't suffice? Let me just tell you that i hope you NEVER raise your hand to hit a girl in your life. That's not cool, and it's not even cool to joke about. I know people who have been beaten by their dads or husbands for the same reason you lift your hand to me. It's not cool.

Respect isn't something that comes for free, and it's not something that money can buy, so if you want my respect you have to give it to get it. I'm sick of putting up with all your crap about women being inferior to men or just there to satisfy guys' needs. I'm not your servant and the world doesn't owe you everything you want. You should be grateful for everything you have and especially all the things that other people do for you just because they love you. Don't take for granted everything that you get everyday. You might be cool and popular around the majority of the people at school, but you're not cool to me--you've become just any other guy. And just because you're "ethnic" doesn't mean that it's okay to disrespect me.

If you're not careful and take for granted all the things that you have, eventually disappear and you'll start wishing that you were grateful for them.