My ouma en oupa

I've realised that i haven't posted a blog in afrikaans yet :O i think i should attempt it.

Vandag was baie, baie lekker. Ek het saam met my sussie na my "ouma" en "oupa" se huis toe gegaan. Ons het daar net 'n bietjie geeet (eintlik het ons baie geeet D: ek voel so sleg! ek wil tog minder eet as wat ek nou eet. ek wil nie 'n vettie wees nie!) en ons het almal rond gesit en gesing. Dit is een ding waarvan ek baie hou waneer ek na my ouma en oupa se huis toe gaan: ons speel baie musiek op die klavier en ons sing vrek baie :P Dis wonderlik! Ek het altyd gewens dat ek deel van 'n familie was wat baie gesing het en musiekinstrumente gespeel het. Maar dit was nog nooit die geval nie. maar dis ok. dis hoekom ek 'n ouma en oupa het. Hulle is daarem baie pret!

Ugh. Food.

Ugh. i feel terrible.

Tonight we had a christmas picnic-dinner with family at the temple and i ate too much desert... i feel so guilty right now D: i so badly want to stick my finger down my throat and puke it all out, but i have a phobia of vomiting. I really wish i didn't have this phobia; it would make me feel a whole lot better.

I guess my fears are what keep me alive and healthy. if i didn't have a fear of something going wrong if i cut myself or a fear of vomiting, maybe things would be remarkably different :/

I want to lose 3 kg so badly. it's not that i think i'm fat or anything, because i don't think that, but i just want to be skinnier.

Also, something else i'll admit: i've been waiting since thursday for a text message from you, or a call. every time my phone rings or beeps i get excited that it might be you, but i just keep getting disappointed :/

Patience has never been a strong point of mine. I guess i'm just going to have to wait for the "31st" to arrive.

Where i'm at

Yesterday i bought Ruth (the old lady that lives a couple of streets up from me, whom i drove home the other day) a packet of gift-wrapped cookies from my work and wrote her a card. then i went to her house and gave it to her and she was so grateful. she was so amazed and shocked that she couldn't say anything. all she said was "I don't know what to say". She is such a nice lady :) I'm so glad i could've met her.

And the sad thing is that she's probably a better friend than all my other friends at school who are "supposed" to be my friends, who don't even make an effort. Sometimes i think people are just so stupid =_=

I went to the beach on Wednesday with some of my youth friends and it was so much fun! it really picked me up from the whole "not really having any friends" thing. They are the coolest bunch of people out. Everytime i plan things, i fail--either no one comes or only 1 or 2 people come and it's really awkward. So i really wasn't sure what was going to happen this time, but 6 other people came and it was awesome :D I loved hanging out with them; they took my mind off a lot of crappy things about life, it was all just care-free. I really enjoyed that.

So new years is soon approaching. i'm excited, yet somewhat uncertain. I'm not going to see you until we go to the fireworks on NYE.

What's going to happen after that? Are we going to actually put each other aside and focus on school? Are we going to say that and then be ambivalent about the situation? Is this just going to be another break-up that turns into a make-up? I can't help but wonder.

I can see the future and i know exactly how things are going to pan out for us. I know this girl who's in exactly the same situation as me:

She's a really lovely girl, goes to the temple regularly and attends church faithfully. She is upset because she broke up with the guy she was with in order to obtain a temple marriage. He was so nice to her and such a kind young man, but him joining the church was obviously insincere because when she broke it off he moved away and stopped going to church after only 2 weeks of being a member. Baby, this is going to happen to us if we continue down this path. That girl feels so bad for breaking up with that guy because he was so good to her and so kind and such a gentleman, but this sadness of hers is trapping her and hindering her ability to be with someone else (who is in fact a return missionary who goes to the temple with her regularly and sets her on a pedestal). Even though i think she should get over herself and see that she can have the guy she broke up with her non-member boyfriend for, i am going to be exactly like that in the future. i feel like i owe you so much for all the wonderful (millions of) things you do for me. I'm never going to get over you. if i do it will take so long... So what do i do about all of this now? i've gotten myself into the biggest mess and i'm just trapping myself.

I've seen the way you hold your little cousin and the way you love her and care for her. You're going to be the greatest dad in the world one day. and you will be more than capable of loving your wife too; i know because i've experienced just how much you've loved me. Deep down in side i do secretly wish that you will become a member so that i can marry you, because i know that we can be so happy. But i know that the success rate of this is so low! You might be interested in the gospel for a short time but then things will turn out like my parents -- you'll become comfortable in life and i'll progress and enjoy the gospel, and then you wont take church seriously anymore and you'll only be pious on sundays when everyone else sees you. our home will fail and our kids will get into trouble because in our house they will end up being taught double standards.

Baby i know what it's going to be like, i've experienced it first hand. i've been the victim of this. and even though you tell me you wont let things be like my parents, things will be that way. That's just how it goes.

Seems like wether i stay with you or end it with you, i lose either way.

I'm stuck in vacillation but i know that i need to make a decision soon

I hate the new me

There's something wrong with me.

I'm not the same Nat as i used to be.

i've must have changed something about myself (without being aware) because it seems that people don't really like me. People always used to love to hang out with me and told me that i brightened their days; they would always accept me and make the effort to spend time with me.

I don't understand how everything just changed so fast and so dramatically. When i think of friends, I can only count 3 friends that i have. three. that's right. 1 that's really close and two that are getting there. I feel so alone. i can't even describe the feeling.

My next problem is that you think i'm amazing. I really don't get this. I don't think i'm amazing at all--i'm self-centred, emotional, clingy, needful, judgemental and seriously insecure. Others obviously don't think i'm amazing either--at your party last night i tried so hard to talk to other people but no one would say anything back to me, they obviously don't like me and they judge me so harshly. So why do you think i'm amazing? Why do you always stick around? why do you tell me to stop saying things like this? If I hate myself right now, i really do, and others dislike me too, howcome you believe that i'm amazing?

I'm just sitting here in awe and astonishment. i am so grateful for all the love and care you show me. every time you tell me that you're not going anywhere, even though i tell you i'm wasting your time because i'm going to mess things up, and you always take time out to make sure i'm ok and to tell me how special i am, i'm just struck with amazement at your kindness and the effort you put into my well-being. This morning, first thing, you called me and texted me to make sure i was ok. then you picked me up at my house and took me to your house. You looked after me there. You really are your mother's boy. you asked about the things that are bugging me, you gave me chocolate, you wrapped the blanket around me and held me. You really keep me going, and i don't think you realise that. When no one else is there, you're always there to catch me when i fall.

I love you so much but i'm scared that i'm going to hurt you or mess things up. You do so much for me and i feel like i don't even give you half of that back. I'm like a weapon, i always seem to manage to destroy my relationships with the people that i love. I really don't want to kill our relationship, but i feel that i already am. I see you dying a little inside every time you have to drag me along in life because i'm too self-centred and needy to get up and walk myself. I feel sad because of what i do to you. Please be careful not to get hurt.

I'll let you in on a secret: Promise not to tell anyone, but i've lost 4kg in one month. i weigh 55kg and i used to weigh 59kg. i've been watching what i eat lately and i've realised that i eat pretty much nothing at school and on the weekend.

My usual saturday starts out with work from 8-12. i don't eat breakfast coz i never have time. then at work my manager always makes me a hot chocolate (best hot chocolates in the world!) and i might eat one or two broken cookies. then i take home a few cookies and eat them on my way to piano lesson. then i get home or hang out with friends or do something and then it's really late and then i really can't be bothered to make myself dinner. so i don't eat. then on sundays i wake up at 9am and laze around. i don't eat breakfast. Then i have something little just before i go to church. then i get home and have a whole heap of things to do and i sometimes eat a cooked meal, but if not i usually just have either a fruit or nothing at all. Then during the week i don't eat anything at school coz i don't get time to make lunch and it's too expensive to buy from the canteen everyday. so i may snack on something here or there when my friends offer but that's pretty much it.

Given all of this, i still don't feel like eating. I just don't want to eat. Rags knew that i ate barely anything on saturday and that i fasted all day yesterday and ate very little for dinner at his party. So this morning Rags MADE ME eat. he gave me these things his mum made. he wouldn't settle for just one--he made me eat two. It took me so long and i would've been fine not eating anything anyway. It was such a mission just to eat those two roll things D:

I don't want to eat. I just don't want to eat. fullstop.

Yesterday i saw this lady walking home and she was old and frail and had a walking stick in one hand and two shopping bags in the other. i felt so sorry for her so i stopped my car and asked her if she wanted a lift home. She was so grateful and she told me her name was ruth and i told her mine and she told me about her grandchildren. that was a wonderful experience for me, i really loved it. Ruth's probably one of the first friends i've made in a while and she didn't even judge me. i'm going to buy her a little gift for christmas and take it to her house. i'm so excited.

Inner Conflict

Oh im so annoyed at myself right now.

So i was angry at you... and i might have yelled at you... really loudly... and then talked things out with you... and you might have been very patient with me and held me in your arms... but then i made a mistake: I continued the cycle instead of breaking it.

You have no idea how much i want you and want to be with you, but i can't. i just cant. it's not the right thing for me right now, i don't think. Rahhrrr.

It doesn't matter how hard i try to get over you, everytime you kiss me it's like all my efforts of trying to get over you are all a waste of time D: because i just end up loving you more.

And the bad thing about all of this is the fact that i want it. I'll admit it--I want it. I want you. I want you to hold me and protect me and tell me how beautiful i am. I want to have many more fairytale and this-only-happens-in-movies kind of moments with you. I want to be a rebel and sneak out at night just to steal a kiss or have you to come buy cat food with me because i don't know where i'm going. I want to kiss you in the rain or on the start of the new year, being surrounded by pretty fireworks and a beautiful night. I want to tell you cute nerdy things so that you'll laugh that special laugh of yours (the one that i absolutely love!) and say i'm cute. I want you to run your fingers through my hair when we're lying on the grass in the park or driving home from the beach. I want you to help me with math homework and, when i get it right, say "good girl" to me the way you usually say it, the way that i love. I want to go far away with you and have an adventure. I want you to grab my hand and play fight with me on the grass in the park, even though it's a family park and the other kids look at us with questioning looks and ask their parents what we're doing ^_^ I just want to be with you. Because you are amazing.

Ok, so my predicament is this: Right now i have the guy that every girl dreams of being swept off her feet by. The IDEAL guy, who is right here next to me and loves me! My ideal guy is REAL, he actually exists. He is handsome, funny, smart, gentle, loving, caring, everything good! But i think that it's not the right thing to date him right now. how hard is that?!

What do i do? is this a trial of my faith and a test of my obedience to God? do i wait until new years eve and go out with you and have my last romantic, fairytale moment with you, or do i draw the line right now and tell you that i wont kiss you or hold your hand or let you hold me in your arms anymore?

Arrghh i want you!

p.s. i SO BADLY want to take you to my temple at night so that you can see the beautiful lights. there are millions of them and it makes me feel like i'm walking through a magical world. I want to show you the wise men and the baby Jesus and explain the importance of his birth to you. I want to show you that my church is wonderful. Basically, i want you to grow to like it so much so that i can spend forever with you.

Change: my greatest enemy

Life has never been so boring. Change has come into my life and swept away and engulfed all my routine, day-to-day happiness. I find myself just sitting. That's right. Just sitting because nothing seems appealing to me anymore.

Today we started the topic "Belonging" in english, and it took me back to the year 2008. Good times, [Classic hits]. The original founders of the group--Gab, Hez, Kate, Alli, Kim, Jess and Nat--were nomads; we'd move around from place to place trying to find our identity. I reminisce on the types of conversations we'd have, all the laughter, and the usual kim reply--"huh...? i don't get it..." "Don't worry, you'll get it, just keep thinking about it...", Gab would reply. *five minutes later* "Ohhh, i get it now!". Those were the days. The days where we could all fit around one single table and share our secrets. We were all unified and our friendships with eachother meant a lot.
After tracting for a while, we finally found a place of our own--a place we could always go to sit every lunch and recess. We took over the table just outside of D-block and even though there was a smelly drain next to our table, we called it home. It was our place. There are countless memories of fun and laughter that are associated with this area.


Now we take up two tables.
Random people who don't make the effort to form intimate friendships with us have joined us, and people just keep coming and going. Our used-to-be "home" is now a half-way house for people who have low standards. All the innocence has been obliterated and our home is left filthy. The originals no longer all sit around the table together, sharing embarrassing stories or things that made them laugh, instead, the main topics of conversation now are usually about other people, boys, dinking, and swearing--a lot of it. And the funny thing (well, actually it's not funny at all) is that these conversations are instigated by those people who have just decided to join the group, who don't bother getting to know everyone personally; the ones who are not the "originals" of the group and don't understand the importance of what the "originals" stand for (or are supposed to stand for). Our identity has been shattered and our place has been taken over. Even though all the originals hang about there, we have all seemed to go our separate ways. The innocent, young girls who once swore that they would never have a drink or get it on with a guy, or swear or wear revealing clothing, have now become randoms--people who are just there but don't matter. They've been disloyal to all their pinky-promises.


Oh how i miss those care-free days where everything went well and school was worth going to because of friends. I would look forward to every single recess and lunch because all of our amigas, our identity and our place had been exhilirating, happy and fun.


I'm so confused about you too, mi amorado bonito. You seem to have left this humungous gap in my life and i really don't know what to do about that. I'm left day after day with the problem of having to find a way to fix that gap. I'm failing though.
Whenever i go to places that we used to go to i feel uncomfortable. i hate coming up to that T-intersection by the park and having to decide whether to turn left or right: right will take me to north rocks road and then to my sisters work, left will take me to your house. I hate how i have that decision placed before me every thursday when i go to pick my sister up from work. That reminder always takes a stab at my heart.
I also bet that if i didn't text you today, you probably wouldn't have texted me. I feel sad that you don't care as much as you used to. i feel empty. worthless. You tell me you care and that you're there if i want to talk, but when i say that i'm fine and that i just need time, you don't reply. You leave me hanging. wondering. uncertain. You could atleast reply with an "ok", or reassure me that everything's going to be fine. or tell me that i'm worth something. But i guess that's not how things are anymore.
You've told me a kazillion times, even a week ago, that you want me to go to Queensland with you in the holidays; you wouldn't pick any other girl. But if that's what you really wanted you would have called my mum and by now. Broken promises.

I know it might sound silly, but right now there are no more original amigas, or ANY amigas for that matter, left to comfort me and give me adive; to tell me that they've got my back and that everything is going to be ok. Specially when my world comes crashing down because i can't be with the man i love. I'm all alone. Everything around me is spinning and changing so reapidl; and me--i'm just left standing here on my own.

Everything that mattered, is now nothing.
I don't know how to deal with this fact.

My drug

We're doing math homework at our table in the park. the papers are held down by my calculator, pencil case and other heavier books, and they are blowing with the wind. The noises of the kids skating at the end of the park are carried by the wind and are distantly faint. I lean in to see how you're solving the math problem. you sense my movement and the distance between us getting smaller and you take my head with your hand and gently rest it on your shoulder. your hand stays where it is. I breathe a sigh of relief. All my fears and sorrows flee instantly. I note that i am very cautious though: I sit as still as a small animal playing dead. I don't move. i also silently wish with all my heart that the papers don't escape and go flying across the grass, or that someone else distracts us, because i don't want you to move one bit. i don't want to get off your shoulder. I contemplate, in the back of my mind, whether me lying on your shoulder is appropriate or not. i then move slightly and lift my head from your shoulder. i don't actually know if it's a good or a bad thing--all i know is that i want it. you lift your hand, unaware of the thoughts going through my mind, and you put it back on the paper beside you where you're doing question 12c.
With a sudden jolt, the wind grabs the papers and they fly off with the wind! I immediately get up and follow after them. I can feel your head turn and your eyes watch me as i try to rescue the notes we need for our test. I start to feel uneasy, though, as the distance between us gets bigger. I make my way back to the table and sit down. we put the papers back under the heavy text books and re-evaluate which question we're going to attmept next. we decide to do one of the challenge questions. i quickly jot down the question and start to solve it. I finish before you: not something that usually happens. you must be tired. You then start solving the problem out loud. I watch how you illegibly scribble down your answers. It's cute. It's also cute how you comment about the fact that you can't even read your own writing. I agree. I really don't mind though; you're sitting next to me, that's all that counts. I quietly sit and soak up your presence as you carry on solving the question. You then finish up and look over to my answers to compare. your whole body seems to move closer to mine as you lift up my book to discover the answer on the answer sheet under my heavy folder. Not caring about your next reaction, i habitually lean my head against your arm which is now cutting across in front of me. I wait for your reaction. you don't flinch. I am once again relieved. Your concentration then oscillates between me and the math problem you're trying to figure out where you went wrong on. Unable to multi-task, you momentarily stop solving the math problem and run your fingers softly through my hair. like you always used to do. I smile. Your arm moves and my nose almost touches your arm. Tempted, I take in a deep breath and relax. I feel comfortable and happy--I close my eyes and feel at home. you smell like you always do--clean and half chocolatey. Words cannot even describe how good i'm feeling at the moment.

It's moments like these that make tomorrow worth living until.

I got my drug. I'm living one more day

Withdrawl

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you
--"When you're gone" Avril Lavigne

I didn't know it would be this hard to let you go. Everytime i see you i feel like bursting into tears. I wait anxiously for you to walk around the corner or walk through the door, but when you do my heart just sinks. Being away from you stinks. It's like this whole part of my existence is missing from me. I can't get you off my mind. I can't stop thinking about the fact that we will never be friends like we used to, we will move our separate ways and only be mere acquaintances. I don't want it to be like this! All i want is for us to be close. like best friends. Just without the dating part. But i guess that that is just an ideal... realilty would never be that ideal. i need to get over myself, but I have no idea how to let you go. You're like the drug that i need--the one that i live off. I'm craving it right now. What do i do when i just can't satisfy my craving? It seems like the end of the world to me.

I don't know how to let go. And i don't want to...

And you don't even have to try

Don't you just hate it when you try really hard to be successful, but there's always someone else who is better than you and they don't even have to try?
Story of my life. I studied so hard for the math test and i got a crap mark (11/31 Argghh) and you just naturally got 20/31. You bearly even tried. Why do you have to be so pretty too? beautiful tan, nice hair and eyes. You're also funny and sassy, always knowing the right things to say to people. I try really hard to start and maintain friendships, but no one really talks to me.
I guess the main reason for me noticing all these things about you and feeling inadequate compared to you is because it seems to be that you have the heart of my man... I try so hard to get along with him and show him that i care, but who does he spend more time with? Whose jokes is he always laughing at? Whose name is he always calling out? that's right: you. It's always you. And you don't even have to try!
Maybe i'm just jealous, but seriously. It's annoying that i notice all these things about you. I've never noticed you before.. I hate that you don't even have to try and he just likes you.

Just walk away

I've never felt so much despise or abhorrence for any person in my life. When you put on your nice persona, you are GOOD. REALLY GOOD. too good for words. but when you put on your negative persona, you are way too mean and intolerable. When times get tough, i sit with a false hope that you will change... but you never do. I'm so over playing your game.


The bruises you left on my arms yesterday are nothing compared to the bruises you're leaving on my heart. No matter how many times i fell to the ground and got my face scraped on the grass, it was nothing compared to how you make me feel inside--you didn't even care that i was getting hurt, instead you laughed and enjoyed it.
You're so disempowering, you have no idea how frustrating it is,, i can't even begin to explain it. I put out my all and got hurt, and you're just fine. i'm going out of my mind. LITERALLY. i'm going crazy. i'm confused. The compass seems to point straight ahead, but just as i'm about to persue my path, the bearing changes and i'm once again left confused and hopeless.


I've said it a million times before, but this time i'm for real: I'm just gonna walk away. walk away from you. and when some other girl comes to claim your heart (which, no doubt, will happen) I'm just going to smile and act like everything is ok. I'll fake it till i make it (even though i'm not 100% sure i'll make it). i'm putting on my bravado and leaving you behind. I don't know where i'm going or what i'm going to do, but i bet whatever i do will be better than being with you. So i'm gonna just walk away...



After we're finished with laser tag tomorrow, this is the mask i will be putting on--the mask that hides how i truely feel. So take a good look tomorrow, coz once we're done, this mask will go on and never come off. Well. Not for you, at least.

Thank you...

Dear friend,
Over the past couple of weeks, i've grown to love you. i'm so relieved that you know exactly how i feel and i love how you don't mind talking about things that most other people would find awkward. I'm really proud of you for not cutting for so long. You're doing a good job. You've definietly encouraged me, and i will most certainly think twice next time i feel like it. I'm glad we share the same views about most things, because it makes it easier to stand up for what i believe in, and it's great to know that there is someone out there that's going through the same things as I am. I'm really looking forward to the future as i would love to become better friends with you and i would love for us to help eachother with our problems.
Love always,
Nat <3

Missed opportunities

I regret missing opportunities.


I'm sorry, random man, that i didn't stop on the side of the road and help you pick up all your papers that went flying across the road :(

Still confused

Hey remember last thursday when we were sitting on the grass in the park and you told me that you try to forget about your past, but when you talk to your brother he always reminds you of it,, And it hurts? Well that's sort of how i feel with you. When you and her go home together on the bus, or get the same things to eat or have inside jokes or you say exactly the same things to her as you used to say to me when we were together, i'm reminded of the past and it hurts. I can't explain why, but it just does.
Thanks for being so patient with me for the past couple of days. Things have started to get better. I feel like such a failure, but i swear i'll try harder to let this not affect me--just please don't give up on me.

Wishing to let go

I'm so confused and hurt right now.
Just when i'm about to give up and lose hope in you, you trick me into thinking that you care. It hurts when you spend the day with me, telling me the secrets behind the name of your email address, or secrets about what goes on in your home and in your world. But then the next day you act as if i'm just any other person. No, wait. let me rephrase: you act as if there are a heap of other people you'd rather talk to and only get to me if no one else is there.
It bugs me when we talk and you tell me that you see me as a friend, but then at school you're always with her and calling out her name. why don't you do that to me too? If she's your friend and i'm your friend, why do you treat us differently...? I don't understand.
You also always used to tell me that you hate it when girls cake their faces with make-up because it hides their true beauty. I really appreciated all those times you told me that and accepted me for not wearing make-up. but why are you hanging out with all the girls who cake their faces with make-up now? I DON'T GET YOU. You're such a hypocrite.

But what really hurts the most is when you kiss me and we have tickle fights on the grass in the park near your house and we sit together watching the sunset, but when we get to school the next day you act as if nothing happened.
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME...?

You're like a cat playing with your food. can you hurry up and kill me and just eat me already? I'm sick and tired of you messing with my feelings.

All i want is to make you happy and care about you, but i don't know if it's the right thing to do anymore to just stick around, hoping to change your life and show you that not everything has to be horrible... Things can be different. BETTER. i can show you that... But to be honest, despite what you tell me, i really don't know what you want.
I hate the fact that you know how i feel about you, but you still take advantage of that. What bugs me is how quickly you've gotten over me! How could it be that fast? i thought what we had was real. and you even said it was. You still tell me you love me... but i guess your thoughts and your actions don't quite match up.

You're making me feel vulnerable and insecure, and i hate the person that i'm becoming. i feel like i have to change to fit in. I am changing. and i hate it. no one laughs at my jokes anymore. when people talk to me they say the bear minimum and just treat me like they have to hang out with me just because i'm there.
IF YOU STOPPED SCREWING WITH ME, MAYBE I WOULDN'T FEEL SO ALONE AND UNWANTED.

I don't know how to deal with you, or what to do when i see you, or what to say when i talk to you. I wish you wouldn't change so fast. i'm struggling to keep up. please try to understand how i feel too--it's not all about you.

I hate that i love you

I don't know how you feel, but i'm dying without you...
You probably don't even care. you've probably moved on...
That's what it looks like anyway...
I hate seeing you with her all the time.
I hate that you two always catch the same bus.
I hate that you can easily strike up a conversation with her, but can't be bothered about asking me something simple like 'How has your day been?'...
I hate how i'm only good enough for you if i have the chemistry notes you missed or have something to eat....
I hate how you think he is better than me. I hate how he gets to know everything about you but i don't--me who has put in all the effort to be there and help you. Why do you trust him so much. why does he not even haveto try?
I hate how you own a piece of my heart. You don't deserve it, and i just wish you would give it back.
But most of all i hate how i still stick around and stick up for you, even though you treat me like this.

I hate you. I hate you for not loving me back.

Just waiting for the train to come and end it. I don't know how much longer i'll be able to deal with you're unrequited love. You're killing me here.

It's all good in tha hood

Hey you. Please don't fuss over not meeting me at carlo. I was worried about exactly the same thing as you are, and i don't want to press this situation on you. I guess i just wanted you to know that i do want to be your friend--and i'm cool to take it at what ever speed you are comfortable with. I proposed we catch up for two reasons:
Firstly, i know exactly how you're feeling right now. i felt exactly the same way you feel just a year ago. I thought exactly the same things you thought (like the thing about crossing the road and the car coming), i've imagined all of that. So if you ever want to talk, i will be there. If it wasn't for my friend i don't even know if i'd be here right now. so if you need anything, just call. im right here. But if you don't want to that is ay-ok too. no pressure or anything. just sayin'.
The second reason for me proposing we catch up is that recently my relationships with all kinds of people have been failing. There's my friend kate who said we could never be friends like we used to (after i spent 4 months writing her a song and everything) which really hurt. then there's my friend Haroun whom i rejected when he asked me out and then 2 weeks later i went out with his friend. ('twas pretty harsh of me but everyone makes mistakes) so things were awkward between us for the past 6 months. Then there's the guy i dated. Ragulan. He was great. on the surface. But the more we went out and the deeper we got, the more i realised that it wasn't right. He wasn't right. But I had made a mistake. i fell in love. And then i had to break it off. Well things ended badly and i feel like i was the cause of the whole situation and now his always with this other girl in my year and he rarely says hi anymore. He told me we'd still be friends but he lied. oh, he lied. what a douche. I'm so cut. So given all this, i decided that i need to start fixing my relationships with people. I broke the awkwardness between kate and i and went to her house :S and we're talking again. I apologised to Haroun and i told him that i was really stupid and all the rest of it and we both decided that we want to be better friends this year. And Rags. well. His a lost cause. I can't make his decisions for him, so i guess i need to just get over him and make peace with the fact that i wasted 6 months of my life genuinely caring for and loving this guy who would never show me love back, even if he said he did love me. So yeah. i was a bit uneasy about where we stood. i just want to be your friend, so i told myself that i should actually do something about it.
Whenever you wana do something or just chat i'll be here. We don't have to make plans just yet, but please just know that i want to be friends and go back to normal.

Love hurts

Dear diary,

When people tell you they don't want you anymore, it does sort of hurt... I'm glad i know where i stand now and i'm glad that i know he wants to go down a different path, but sometimes the truth hurts. and sometimes people are too straight out and blunt. As if being with you didn't hurt me enough, now my heart is suffereing from stab wounds from your sharp, harsh words today. Thanks. Just what i needed. The cherry on top. i know it wasn't intentional, but still. It hurt. My heart will be permanently scarred because all the warm smiles and comforting looks you gave me when you used to tell me you loved me have turned to cold, foreign gazes. It hurts.

It's funny to think that people who respect you for your standards don't want to be with you because they think that you're too committed to your religion to care about them. Baby i couldn't ever pick you over my religion, but i can love you sufficiently enough. And i wish so much that me staying true to my religion wouldn't offend you. but i guess all my efforts were never good enough for you. I'm sorry i'm not perfect. I'm sorry that despite all my efforts, i was never able to give you what you wanted.


It's time to move on. If only i knew which way to go.

Mums...

What would you do without them?

I'll be there

I know the feeling all too well. being on the outside isn't fun at all. It's stupid how people can't just accept you for who you are. I hate how people are mean to you because you choose not to go as low as them; it makes life dreadful to bear. There's a lot going on right now with my friends and with boys and i'm confused and feel helpless. I feel more alone than ever. The people who used to be my friends aren't really my friends anymore because they've changed and now follow the crowd, doing what ever's the hottest thing at the time: drinking, wearing revealing clothing, dirty dancing, over doing it with boys, you name it. I feel like everyone else is changing and i'm just staying the same. I feel like an outsider. I feel even more like an outsider at church. There's no one my age, one of the leaders always embarrasses me and is mean to me (whether it's intentional or not) and people who used to be good friends with me are now only mere aquaintances.
I'm sorry about how you feel about Dear John. I don't think John is to blame either, but to me it seems like the guy Savana ended up marrying, really needed her help. He had quite a few challenges in his life that were made easier by Savana's help. I'm sure she had a caring heart and just wanted to help the guy out. It was very kind of John to donate all that money to Savana's farm. I think deep down she really appreciated it. And maybe she did owe him after that. How about this Savana repays him by not ignoring him and just being his friend? Would that cut it for John? ...
I know what it's like to be on the outsude. How about we stick together while we're on the outside and have a good time?
Come to youth tonight. I just got back from my year 11 camp today. I'll tell you all about it...?
And if you get this message too late, then how about we go out one time and just hang out? i'll tell you all about it then...?

Finally some light

HAROUN: YOU ARE MY HERO.

A new kind of love

How happy i have been lately now that i'm being obedient to God.
It's funny sometimes how we think things will make us happier, but ultmately nothing can make us happier than following the teachings of our prophets and leaders, and being faithful to the Lord and His commandments. Not even love can make us happier than this.

I've learnt so much about love in the past 6 months.
Love. Love is so powerful and so wonderful--they weren't kidding when they said it makes you weak at the knees or makes you feel the happiest you've ever felt or makes you want to do the craziest things because you can't contain yourself when all your joy wants to burst out of you. it really is amazing and is something i would want everyone to experience because it's so wonderful.There's obviously a reason for this strong attraction of love between people. It's natural. God made it that way.

So i've leant that love is good, love is necessary, love is amazing. But what i've also learnt about love is that there is a time and a place for it. And to put it bluntly, now is not the time! I have experienced that (even though love is wonderful) it is a complete waste of time whilst you are still young and in your teenage years. There's a reason we're not supposed to date or fall in love at this age and there are way greater things out there prepared for us to do by a loving Heavenly Father, who sits up in Heaven everyday knowing what he can do to make us happy each day and season of our life. He has another plan forus young ones, a special plan. A plan that involves education, going to seminary, building friendships and serving others. Yes love is amazing and will definitely be necessary one day, but that is only meant to come later on in life.

And funny enough, i thought that i wouldn't be able to live without love, but that's completely untrue. I was wrong. I am actually living better without love. I know with all my heart that this is because i'm fulfilling the mission that the Lord has for me--which is the same mission for all teenagers. Because love isn't what our loving Heavenly Father wants us to experience right now. Of course he wants us to experience it! But NOT NOW.

Now that i've taken love (which used to be one of my main focuses) out of my life, i can see more clearly! it's so weird. But i like it :)